Okay, so I have put together a serious study with precise techniques and very scientific methods on UPR men. This investigation can seem like an oversimplified conception of boys in our campus, but it is the closest we can get to actually penetrating through the characteristics that the guys here share accordingly. I decided to carefully observe the phenomenon to provide insightful information to my fellow ladies. Just call me the Jane Goodall of men. With no further ado, I present the results of my countless hours of scientific labor, reminding everyone that due to lack of funding and the complex nature of men (plus there’s, like, a million of them, give me a break) I was not able to go into the painstaking detail of categorizing them by major. I’d also like to remind everyone that some subjects will not seem to ‘fit’ into their classification but these are considered exceptions and not the general rule:
CISO: Ah, Sociales. Here we find the idealists, the intellectuals, and the revolutionaries that are classified under the scientific name homo lumpen. Prone to facial hair, specifically beards. Homo lumpen are broken into two subcategories: homo lumpen tirao and homo lumpen recogido. Homo lumpen tirao is usually hairy and decked out in a graphic tee that may or may not have a political slogan (anti-establishment, obviously), flag (Puerto Rico, Cuba, Syria, etc.), band, or legendary hero (El Che, Albízu Campos, Ismael Rivera) on it along with some ill-fitting jeans or cargo shorts. He tends to use mandals (ugh) or Toms-esque shoes. Homo lumpen recogido is slightly more hygienic than his brother homo lumpen tirao and is prone to wearing button-downs with the sleeves rolled up and elegant leather shoes. All homo lumpen can be observed in their natural habitat smoking a hand-rolled cigarette and with a book in hand, arguing. After obtaining a bachelor’s degree in a highly theoretical but not necessarily practical major, homo lumpen has no choice but to go to grad school or seek a juris doctorate.
Wins: Most Argumentative; Most Likely to Complain About Capitalism But Wear Calvin Klein Underwear and Drive an Expensive Foreign Car
ADMI: Homo lumpen’s natural enemy, the typical Admi guy (scientific name: homo cabrónus) is its exact opposite: a proud consumer, practical, entrepreneurial. Homo cabrónus seeks to make the highest possible income with minimum time and effort (“Med school? Law school? No, thanks, I’m good”). They too can be categorized into two different groups: homo cabrónus surfer looks like he just came back from Ocean in his neon-colored board shorts and sleeveless tee (to show off those biceps, man; homo cabrónus almost always has an impeccable physique thanks to the gym) from some well-known brand. Homo cabrónus fichu, on the other hand, either has an oral presentation, internship, or is starting to take his style a little more seriously because he dresses more elegantly in button-downs (Polo, obviously; all of homo cabrónus’s wardrobe is expensive even if it doesn’t seem that way) and jeans or clean, ironed khakis. Both subgenres use sneakers or Sperrys in subtle colors and bright-colored plastic watches. Homo cabrónus tends to be clean-cut but isn’t afraid to sport some facial hair and can be found in the Admi lobby looking bored behind his Oakley shades and playing on his iPhone. It’s worth noting that there also exists another subgenre that can be considered as more of a sub-subgenre: homo cabrónus calle, since there seems to be a remarkable number of cacos in this faculty.
Wins: Most Athletic; Most Likely to Be Your Friend with Benefits and Be Horrible At It
GENERALES: Lost freshmen, also known as homo charro. Decked out in his high school casual day best, his shirt, hat, and shoes all match perfectly. Drunk on his newfound freedom, his hair tends to be shaggy, long, or styled into some extreme style that the pesky staff at his high school would never have allowed. He has little to no facial hair or a variation of the disgusting soul patch. Homo charro’s favorite accessories include puka necklaces, gummy bracelets, and his old school’s track jacket or hoodie, which really compliment that youthful gleam in his eyes, full of hope and admiration towards the adult world of college.
Wins: Most Clumsy; Most Likely to Still Have Braces
NATURALES: Homo jodido is actually quite similar to his distant Admi cousin, homo cabrónus, except for two glaring differences: homo jodido looks like he hasn’t slept since last semester and (this is the clincher, guys) his choice of shoes. Homo jodido gravitates towards Crocs (with or without socks, thank you very much) and more brightly-colored sneakers, which tend to be more sporty and practical than those used by homo cabrónus. Psychologically, this particular subject is found in one of two emotional states: terrified (before taking any quiz or tests/receiving grades) and sleepy. Fluent in English and loaded with extra baggage (laptop bags, binders, jackets to fend off the chill in those all too familiar Naturales labs), homo jodido is always busy and on the run, whether it be to a lab class or to an investigation. Then again, that could just be the massive quantity of coffee this caffeine addict has on a daily basis. Favorite conversation topics include: complaining about practice MCAT courses, complaining about the MCAT, complaining about all of the Ivy League summer internship positions they’re applying to, and med school.
Wins: Most Likely to Succeed; Most Likely to Drop Dead at Any Minute
ARQUITECTURA: Homo invisible is pretty much an urban legend. He’s never been spotted outside of his faculty.
Wins: Quietest; Most Like To Make You Ask, “Wait, Do You Even Go Here?”
HUMA: Also known by his scientific name, homo trafala. Perhaps the most diverse faculty in UPRRP, it is quite easy to mix up homo trafala with his distant cousin, Ciso’s homo lumpen. Here we find the dreamers, the poets, the creative types. Homo lumpen mafuteris has an, ahem, ‘ eccentric’ sense of style and a dreamy, far-off look in his eyes. He is characterized by his signature scent of cannabis and his affinity for sitting outside of the theater. Homo lumpen hipster can be seen walking across Plaza Antonia at 8 in the morning wearing a blazer and dark sunglasses listening to Bon Iver. He dresses like an Urban Outfitters model and considers himself an artist.
Wins: Most Creative
COPU: A confession, dear readers: due to a lack of time and interest, I’ve never really bothered with this faculty. I have, however, heard that it’s full of gorgeous but cray guys, hence the scientific name homo papelónus.
Wins: Drama King; Most Likely to Know A Taylor Swift Song
Needless to say, UPR guys all have their unique charm.