On Sept. 22, the devil, God, and Kris Jenner met in an underground bunker to notify People magazine that Kylie Jenner, the youngest of the Kardashian-Jenner empire, is PREGNANT. Most rational human beings took this information and placed it in the compartment of their brain reserved for interesting yet extraneous celebrity information, right next to Tom Hiddleston’s Bolognese recipe and Amanda Bynes’ Twitter meltdown. However, as a ravenous pop-culture monster, this announcement consumed my frontal lobe until I compiled a list of inevitable Kylie Pregnancy™ outcomes:
1. A New Kylie Lip Kit Collection
The Childbirth Collection is set to drop 3 days before her scheduled delivery and will include the shades Umbilical Kord, Doula, Baby K, and Nipple Kream.
2. A Spin-Off Reality Series Called “Kylie and Ko.” or “Kylie’s Krawler” or “Keeping Up With Kris Jenner’s Latest Mental Breakdown”
It will document her struggle to raise a future business mogul on a chicken farm in Malibu and stave her mother off the brink of insanity.
3. A Line of Yeezy Diapers and Breast Pumps
The diapers will be $300 for a pack of 6 and come in varying shades of beige and army-green. The breast pumps are for accessorizing ONLY and will have no actual pumping capabilities (obviously).
4. A Pregnancy App Called “Kegels with Kylie”
$3.99 a month in the app store!
5. A Feud Between Her Child and Heidi Montag’s
It will happen in 2034 at New York Fashion Week and Mindy Kaling’s daughter will live-tweet the entire thing.
6. The Very First Maternity Waist-Trainer
7. A Reenactment of This Video But With an ACTUAL HUMAN BABY!!!!