I will never forget the first time I wore lingerie for a man. I was nineteen, he was my first serious relationship, and things were going so well (or so I believed at the time- but that’s another story). He gave me a Victoria’s Secret giftcard as part of my birthday present, so if that wasn’t the biggest hint in the world, I don’t know what was. I remember looking at the giftcard and thinking: why not? What’s more fun than getting a little sexy and dressed up for the person you love and blowing their mind? So, I did it. I bought my first real piece of lingerie, white lace and all. And when the big reveal came, I was expecting a dropped jaw, an attack, a whirlwind of movements and clothes flying everywhere, just like in the movies. What I got, though, was entirely different:
“You look nice.” That’s it. That’s all he said. He didn’t reach for me, he didn’t smile, he didn’t look me over once. He just nodded and continued to lay there on the bed.
Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last- but neither did my self-esteem. I’m not an outgoing girl, I don’t know how to accept a compliment, and I blush way too frequently. I don’t consider myself “sexy” but that night, I did. That night, I was letting all of my guards down so the man I loved could appreciate me and make me feel hot and sexy and beautiful. And suddenly, I was ashamed and broken and felt more humiliated than ever before when he didn’t respond the way I– any woman– would have wanted him to.
As time went on, I swore to myself I’d never wear lingerie again, in fear of being humiliated by someone else. But one day, I saw this gorgeous lace teddy online and I just had to have it. I was sleeping with someone, but he wasn’t my boyfriend, so I had no intentions on wearing it. I just wanted it in my drawer for, well, I didn’t know what. When I tried it on though, and I looked at myself in the mirror, all of my confidence came flooding back and that’s when I realized my previous mistake:
I’d worn lingerie for someone else, to make someone else feel appreciated. When really, I should have just been wearing it for myself, to make me feel sexy, so I could walk with confidence, with or without the validation from a significant other.
With that realization, I bought a garter and stockings, too. And I dressed up and looked at myself in the mirror, took countless pictures and selfies that I sent to no one, and saw my body in a way I never had before: I was sexy. I was hot. I was beautiful. And anyone would have been lucky to see me like this.
I went on a date with the guy I was seeing while wearing my fun little get-up, and this time, the reaction was more than what I’d previously hoped for. But what felt even better was my confidence shining through because I knew that even if he said I looked “just nice” or laughed or didn’t give me a movie-like reaction, it wouldn’t affect me. I’d leave out of self-respect, but it wouldn’t crush my spirit like it had with the first guy. That was the day I started wearing lingerie for myself, and no one else.
Feeling sexy is about being comfortable in your own skin, regardless of other people’s perceptions. As woman, we crave acceptance and validation from the people we love, but we forget that we don’t need it. The only person’s opinion that matters is the one looking at you in the mirror.
So wear those stilettos, girl. Wear them and walk around proudly. And if someone is lucky enough to have you walk toward them, well, that’s just the cherry on top.