In the movies, it always seems so easy to find and fall in love with – the right – stranger. They make it look like all you have to do is frequent the same coffee shop at the same time every day, and a special someone will fall right into your lap! I guess fateful love stories do come wrapped and scented with espresso for some, but this isn’t most of our realities.
Until recently, I admired the cinematic coffee shop girl, but could never see myself in her. It took years of healing from my past before I would even be willing to meet the gaze of a new suitor – much less open myself up to love. I don’t think the cinematic coffee shop girl can say the same!
This is not another post encouraging confidence in the dating realm, as I’ve made it clear that I am lacking in this department. Confidence is a learned skill, and it takes time to instill. This is also not a post telling you that gaining a romantic partner will somehow fill the emptiness within you. However, this is a post encouraging you to begin your proper healing process – whatever it may look like for you – and allow yourself to feel both internal and external love.
I have always been very apprehensive and guarded when it comes to intimacy – romantic, emotional, and even social. The issue with building walls is that they do not discriminate; the bad and the good are shut out.
Remaining guarded in this way actually permitted me to grow, but naturally that too reached its limit. Growth is often inspired, and a significant source of inspiration comes from the world around us. We aren’t meant to undergo such a pivotal process all on our own. Walls are the death of limitless growth and acceptance of external love.
My walls kept me from acquainting myself with myself. I learned to absorb the personalities of those I encountered, further separating me from the inevitable unveiling of my truest self. I managed to go my whole life without acknowledging that some aspects of my life could use some change – one aspect being my openness to romance.
I still struggle with imposter syndrome on the daily, but I am working toward authenticity. I now feel most myself when I am in the presence of my partner because he is familiar to me, and he has created a comfortable environment for me to be able to be me. He is my safe haven and he deserves to know my genuine self. Open yourself up to only the deserving.
Guard your precious heart, but please do not stay guarded forever. If I had continued down the path I was set on, I would have never returned to his loving gaze. Love without fear of loss when the face of love shows itself.