This will be my last message. I’m leaving everything on the table. Might as well say my full piece as this is most likely my goodbye. But I’ll leave that up to you.
It’s 1 a.m, I’m in the shower writing this… It would be a lie if I said my love for you didn’t consume me. I’ve put my everything into trying. Trying to make it known how much I adore you, my one and only. I know I’ve made huge, HUGE mistakes in the past that you have yet to heal from. I know those things can’t be forgotten in a day, the only thing I can do now is be a better me. The only thing I can do is to love you with all that I am.
You say I’m always critiquing your flaws and asking for more. But I had already written you books on books about my undying devotion to you countless times—I didn’t feel the need to write them again. My appreciation for all the compliments and even the littlest of things would be on display for you whenever you wanted affirmation. No matter what it was, anything you wanted or could imagine, I was ready to give it to you happily.
But when it came to me, there were certain things I would ask of you and you did not have that same energy. Down to listening to music I liked or anything that interested me, you would just shut it down. “You know I don’t like that so why tell me.”
It would hurt. If it were you, I would do anything that held your interest because well, it was you. I wanted us to be able to put each other onto new things, yet you were almost never open to it. You would dismiss it, dismiss me. But I got used to it.
Maybe it was my fault. Like always. Maybe it was my fault for being stuck on the idea of what I thought relationships were suppose to be. Like in the movies, when the guy trying to win the affection of the woman he loves stops at nothing to woo her. I longed for that type of effort.
I can already hear your voice, “I never asked you to change.” You did without even realizing it. You would point out things here and there, like “why are you like that?” or “you exaggerate too much over dumb insignificant shit.” What I was asking from you, you wouldn’t ask of me simply because I was already doing them.
I’m sorry for making you feel like I wanted you to change into someone you weren’t. I wasn’t asking for that, all I craved was effort. I didn’t want another person—I wanted you. You say it was always me choosing when and where, and yes, you’re right because of reasons you already know. But that doesn’t mean you can’t choose or plan the dates.
It was never about materialistic things, but just the effort, time, and thought. I’m not saying that you never had romantic gestures for me because you did. The times when I would say I didn’t want anything and you got me something anyways, late night food runs you’d bring me when I had cravings, or the flowers you’d steal from strangers’ houses. This past Valentine’s Day you really surprised me and made me feel so special, I can’t even begin to describe what that felt like. I felt on top of the world, up in the clouds. Or when we were kids and you wrote you loved me on a dollar bill. I still have it, I never thought I would love a one dollar bill so much. You probably don’t remember.
Honestly, it felt like you were embarrassed when I would do certain things for you. When I would sing to you, you would barely look at me. When I made you that playlist I was so excited to show you, you barely acknowledged it. I wanted you to sing to me like cute couples would, but then again that was my fault for having such a misconstrued concept of love. It was too much to ask for.
From the bottom of my heart I can solemnly say that I’m sorry for every ounce of pain I’ve put you through. I’m sorry for making you feel any less perfect for me as I’ve always told you you are.
I love you unconditionally. Not everything in life is going to be a movie, I’ve learned that the fairytale chapter isn’t always so promising. But even despite that, you managed to be my true love. You are it for me. I know I will never love anyone as much as I love you. To still love someone after everything we’ve been through, has to be one of the realist type of love. These six years have not been in vain. I’ve loved you, every bit of you and your imperfections for so long that you’ve become a part of my very being.
Right now I am broken. How could you of all people make me feel this way? So worthless because you’ve proven to me how easy it was to get over us. In less than 24 hours you were already moving on. To share the things that I thought only we shared. Yeah we were “over” but I didn’t think this time it would stick. If I had done what you did to me to you, I would never hear the end of it. But who cares how I feel right? I’m just over-exaggerating. We weren’t together and that’s that. No remorse, no nothing. You still have this power over me, manipulating me to feel as if I’m the one that should be begging for another chance. As if I’ve done something wrong and I’m the one that needs to apologize and beg for you to stay… but it’s fine, that’s the way it’s always been. I’m always the one begging for you not to leave. I’m always the one begging even if it isn’t even my fault, but that’s what we’re both used to. I wish for once it was you. You begging for me not to leave. To feel like I meant something, like I’m worth something to you. Like I should be begged for. Instead of being thrown out like the next day’s trash.
If you choose to leave and this is the end of us, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being in my life for as long were. Thank you for loving me the way you did. Thank you for everything you did for me. I’m grateful to have been able to call you my love for as long as I did. I will always be grateful and thankful to the man above for putting you in my life, for making you the man I prayed for. I will always be your #1 cheerleader. I will always be proud of you and all your future milestones. I hope you achieve all your dreams and goals because I know you can.
I had so many things planned for us and I wanted to achieve so much with you. I wanted you to be there for every single one of my milestones because you have been my rock through all of it. I was already envisioning going to visit you and you coming to see me but it’s okay. I hope you find your true love and your better half. You deserve to be loved fearlessly and I’m sorry if I failed you.
I’ll be okay eventually. It’ll take time, but time heals all wounds. I know I will never be completely over you. You have taken a part of me with you, wherever you go you will always have it; it belongs to you. You changed me for the better. I love you, I always have and I always will.
If you choose to stay, I promise I will do my part to better myself for me, you and us. That I’ll work on things I need to work on for us. Because I love you. I choose you. I want you. All of you. I choose to love you, to choose you and to choose us, every day every time.
I have already made my decision to fight for you, for us. Now it’s up to you.
Yours forever and always,
les