Sounds crazy, right? We’ve all heard the advice about how once your relationship ends, that’s it. It’s in the past, it no longer belongs in the present, and it certainly has no part in your future. Well, I’m one of the few people who disagrees with this philosophy. While I’ve had my fair share of exes who don’t deserve the time of day from me anymore, there are still those one or two men that I’ve stayed friends with. Not just in name, either; I’m actually friends with them, as in, get-Canes-on-a-random-Monday-night, send-funny-memes, invite-to-dinner-and-get-togethers-without-having-sex real friends.
Some of you may be thinking: wow, you’re absolutely delusional. Or: you definitely still have feelings for him. Or even: you’re probably lying and you’re friends with benefits, not just platonic. Believe what you want, but for those of you who want to learn how to stay friends with your ex, here’s how it’s possible:
Make sure you’re over why you broke up. There’s got to be a reason your relationship ended. There are some endings that I personally believe do not deserve continuations, such as cheating. However, if your flame died out because someone moved or someone lost feelings or it just wasn’t working for whatever reason, there’s no need to cut your ex out of your life. Before you consider being friends with him or her, though, you need to make sure you’ve moved past the break up. For me, I actually talked it through with him. I yelled at him, blocked his number, unblocked it, cried with him, and everything in between. Working through my emotions with him was a vital part to how I decided to stay friends with him.
If you weren’t friends before, it won’t work. If he was a Tinder match, or a blind date, or something like that- yeah, you probably won’t be able to sustain a friendship, simply because you don’t know each other out of the bounds of a relationship. It’s hard to see someone in a light you’ve never seen them in before. But if you were friends first, you have to keep in mind why they were your friend in the first place, and what qualities ultimately led to your relationship. Remembering these qualities will help you see that you were better off as friends in the first place.
You have to be at peace with seeing them with other people. If you’re friends, relationship talk is bound to come up. So first ask yourself: are you really over them? It’s more important to heal yourself first before you think about being friends with your ex. If the thought of them with someone else still brings tears to your eyes and fire to your heart, maybe friendship isn’t the best thing for you. But if it doesn’t, and you’ve truly moved on, go for it! I actually give my ex advice on his current relationship dilemmas as he does for me.
Don’t worry about what others will think. You had a break up. It was probably hard. You told your friends about it, your family, maybe even strangers know. But you don’t need anyone’s permission to stay friends with your ex. If your other friends are truly your friends, they’ll support your decision and maybe even try to befriend your ex too. You need to do what’s best for you: if it’s cutting him or her off, that’s perfectly alright. If it’s not, that’s okay, too. What makes you happiest is what matters the most.
Make sure they want the same thing. We all get in those situations where one person has no hard feelings but the other does. You have to be patient and not push the other person. If they need their space and no longer want any kind of relationship with you, you have to respect that. Make sure you’re on the same page so that he or she knows your expectations- and your limits. There’s a difference between being friends, friends with benefits, acquaintances, or simply having nothing (good or bad) to say to each other.
All of these things have helped me maintain possibly one of the most fun, laid back friendships in my life. And yes, it’s with someone I truly thought I was in love with at one point. The universe works in strange ways, though, and I can’t imagine being anything but his friend now.
So trust me: it’s possible. You just gotta make it happen!