If you’re hoping to save money without disappointing any of your loved ones this holiday season, look no further. I, a 20-year-old with absolutely no experience in managing finances of any kind, am here to guide you on the tumultuous journey that is the season of giving.
Tip #1: Get in topical Facebook arguments with at least 6 family members by December 23. Choose topics like Starbucks holiday cups, gender identity, and anything pertaining to the hashtag #LockHerUp. If you are aggressive and unyielding in your well-intentioned think pieces, you will get uninvited to the annual Christmas party and save hundreds on gifts that you now don’t have to buy.
Tip #2: Go Black Friday shopping and get trampled on Best Buy property. In order to prevent permanent injury, choose to stand in the Kindle Fire or Nintendo DS sections of the store, as the customers flocking to these devices will likely weigh 95 pounds and have little athletic ability. Avoid the TV area, wall of car stereos, and anywhere else that burly dads who “could’ve played in the NFL if it weren’t for that damned knee injury” tend to congregate. Once you have been successfully flattened to the ground by capitalism, grab the nearest 17-year-old in a royal blue polo and threaten to sue. It’s like my mother always says, nothin’ pays the bills like corporate settlement money!
Tip #3: Go on 3 dates with a Target cashier before ghosting him forever. The anxiety of running into him and having to explain that you blocked all forms of contact because his “hands felt like they belonged to a sweaty toddler” will deter you from ever entering the store again. You will be forced to do your shopping at lesser (and cheaper) retail stores that don’t sell $7 decorative paper clips in the “dollar” section.
Tip #4: Give up and join a cult. No one is expecting gifts from the girl that joined a cult.