Please note that some things in this article may be triggering to some domestic abuse survivors.
According to Google, domestic abuse is defined as any “violent or aggressive behavior within the home.” If you’re one of the lucky ones, the abuse will end in divorce or emancipation and sometimes even arrest- but its impact will stay with you forever. Growing up with an emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive father shaped me in more ways than I can count- both good and bad. My mother, sisters, and I are some of the lucky ones, and even as the divorce proceedings are finally underway after 20+ years of abuse, it’s still not easy. My parents’ relationship had a particularly significant effect on the expectations I now have for my partner, and there are certain things I will always need him to understand:
My trust is hard to earn. Domestic abuse survivors put up a guard to protect ourselves. When all you’ve felt is pain and all you’ve experienced is aggression from men (and women) who were supposed to love you more than anyone…well, forgive me if that’s degraded my ability to trust.
And it’s easy to break. Once you’ve broken through some of those walls, you will have to watch what you say and what you do around me. I’m more sensitive than others, and certain things will trigger me whereas they wouldn’t trigger someone else. If you lie to me once, I will never be able to look at you the same way. If you hide things from me, it will kill me on the inside. My trust is hard to earn, remember, so please cherish it because once it’s gone- it’s gone.
Please be patient with me as I figure out what’s normal. The funny thing about domestic abuse is that it warps your sense of normality. I remember being 12 years old, unable to go to the mall with my friends, in fear that my father would start yelling about how I was wasting my life. Or when I was 14, and he grabbed my mother and shook her for not telling him that I may be lactose intolerant. Overtime, you tend to forget to what’s normal and accepted in society and start to believe the rest of the world is just as f*ed up as your life is when it’s really not. So please don’t get annoyed if I feel uncomfortable sitting at the dinner table with your family and having nice, normal conversation. I don’t know what “nice” and “normal” should feel like, and it’s going to take me some time to figure it out.
And as I figure out what’s not. I grew up in a home where you hid your deepest thoughts and fears so you wouldn’t be berated for them. Keeping everything to yourself is not healthy and not normal. Real, happy families have open conversations about life and love and politics and religion; so if I’m too quiet, I’m just coming to terms with the fact that it’s okay to speak my mind.
If you judge me or where I come from, you can’t love me. Don’t you ever, ever, judge my mother for not walking away. I judge her enough when I shouldn’t. Don’t ever tell me that you wouldn’t have let it happen or that we should have been stronger. You don’t know. You can’t know. In fact, I would never want you to experience such a horrendous thing to know. So all I ask of you is not judge.
Once you love me, you’ll have to say it over and over and over again before I believe it. Domestic abuse makes you feel worthless and unworthy at the same time. When someone constantly beats into your self-esteem and your drive, you start to believe them after a while- especially when it comes from a family member. You start to think that you are undeserving of pure love and affection because you’ve been unwanted and treated so badly your whole life. So please, don’t become impatient or angry with me if you say you care and I don’t believe you. I just don’t know why you would.
Once I love you, I will love you with everything that I have. And if you can’t handle that, you need to not waste my time and walk away sooner rather than later. If you are someone who breaks down my walls and gets me to open up, I will do anything for you. Those things are what I lacked growing up and what I’ve been craving all along, and once I have them- once I have you- I will do anything to make us last. It doesn’t mean I’m desperate. It means I finally, finally, see a happy future for myself and I won’t let anything get in the way.
I don’t want your pity. There have already been too many nights of me asking the heavens “why me?” and I don’t need you to ask the same question. I don’t want your sympathy- I want your encouragement and understanding. I want you to recognize what’s happened to me but to not define me by it. And you can bet your ass that I’ll tell you when you do it.
I don’t need you. As much as I love you, and as much as I want you in my life, it’s important for me that you know that I’ll be okay without you.
Because I’m not weak. The one good thing that domestic abuse ever did for me is give me a backbone. It taught me to rely on myself and be strong- in words, actions, mind, and heart. I know that because I’ve survived so much, and fought through so much, I will always be okay. That faith is something that no one will ever be able to take away from me.