DON’T
For as long as I can remember, the entirety of my life has been centered around, what else- boys. While many were finding solace in religions such as Christianity and Catholicism, I found mine in the lips of the only god I ever knew- the male gender
I would yearn to attend first grade every day with the knowledge that Nathan, the boy I fantasized about was in the third grade classroom next door
I spent second grade in a banter with my friends over who was going to win the heart of Keegan
Fourth grade I couldn’t focus because I was too concerned with what music I thought Derek listened to in his free time outside of school
Fifth grade was a series of listening to love songs and crying about how Brian liked Brenna and not me
Of course, this was just elementary and only the beginning of my ongoing religion with the male species
Middle school began and this was when I was acquainted with my first ever boyfriend, Logan. My first hand hold, my first movie date, my first kiss. My first significant loss as a preteen.
Seventh grade came and went with the pain of Zach and Fletcher
Eighth grade ended with the loss of Tyler
High School began – my religion grew stronger
High school is where I had my first serious relationship, two and a half years of centering my life around another. Where I held religion in his lips and found sanctuary in his bed. I made decisions I am not even sure I wanted for the sake of a guy. I almost didn’t go to college- for the sake of a guy. Our relationship became undoubtedly unhealthy and was put to an right before I went to college, after a long worship of him.
When I left for college I told myself that I was to abandon my religion for the sake of finding solitude within myself. Of course, by the name of the title it is pretty apparent that this is exactly what I did not do.
With college has come a whirlwind of highs and lows regarding the male gender for me. People are focused on being in the prime of their lives and the new excitements that come with being away from home for what is probably time of their lives. As for me, being someone who finds happiness around the center of others, this new idealism has not come easily to me. I do not know how to live a life without the one holy thing I have ever known. As of today, I am currently nearing the middle of my first semester of my junior year and recently, after an event that has taken place in my life, I can’t help but regret the relgion I have chosen.
Recently, a friend reccomended that I watch the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”. A film that came out in 2010. I took her advice and feel that this movie has given me new meaning. The idea behind it is that Elizabeth Gilbert, a middle aged woman has centered her entire life around relationships and has never given herself a chance to get to know herself and her true passions as a woman so in the heat of the moment, leaves her marriage in a fleet of unhappiness and flees the country to enjoy language and food in Italy, delve into meditation in India, and finally ends her journey trying to find the balance of both in her embarkment of Bali. The film ends with her finding someone much different than any other relationship she has had, this being because she has found herself and is entirely anew. She is hesitant to get into this relationship in fear of losing what she has found within herself but decides to cherish what she has gained in her new perspective of life and love and flourishes within the relationship.
The point that I, as well as Elizabeth Gilbert are trying to make is that there is so much time for men in the future, but if I do not figure out who I am now- without them in my presence, then I am going to continue to chase after the wrong ones which will always lead to wreckage. I need to focus on me and my future before I focus on a guy.
There is so much pain and heartbreak that comes with two individuals that it really has become aware to me that it is most worth it to wait. It is not worth it to lose someone who can never fill the void within you if the void is caused by neglect that you have caused youself. It is time to embark on my own journey, despite my lack of funds to travel across Europe- I need to finish college with my head on my own shoulders and not on a mans.
Put yourself first.