- There has to be trust. You cannot have a relationship at all if you do not trust your partner. You do not need to feel upset or scared if you do not trust easily, because trust me, I was there at one point and I am not now. In my past, I had an unhealthy relationship. I understand what it is like to be scared to trust a brand new person. I can promise you, most people are not going to be anything like that one bad relationship you had. You have to learn to trust. This can be difficult, so you have to ease in slowly. It took me a very long time to trust my current boyfriend and that is okay. Bad experiences can make you feel this way, and that is totally normal. You just have to remind yourself that if your partner tells you they are going somewhere with their friends, you have to trust that they are with their friends at that place. If you have to constantly have your partner’s location, or you get mad at them and make accusations because of a scenario you made up in your head, chances are, you are probably not ready to be in a relationship. You have to build trust within yourself before you can trust anybody else.
2. Just as important is communication. Communicating with your partner is so important, especially if you are far away. I am lucky enough to be only about 45 minutes away from my boyfriend, and he is still in high school, so it is not hard for us to keep strong communication. Communication does not have to be a text every 5 minutes from your significant other. Communication should be more like a text letting each other know what your plans for the day or night are and checking up on each other. Just a simple, “Hey! I’m hanging out with Catie tonight. I will text you throughout the night to let you know that I am okay. I hope your day was good! I hope you are having fun with your friends tonight.” is a huge step in communicating with your partner. Communicating is especially important when there is a problem or an argument between you and your partner. You need to be able to share how you feel without lashing out at your partner, and vice versa. Good communication will allow you to quickly resolve the problem without any detrimental arguments happening.
3. Live separate lives. You and your partner are your own separate people and you have separate lives. It is okay to have different friend groups and different hobbies. This helps you be strong as a couple. You do not want to be revolving your life around your partner, this will not end well. It is good to have some shared friends and hobbies, and some separate as well. This can help give you time away from each other to do your own thing for a little while. You do not want to have to be dependent on a partner for entertainment or happiness in your life, that is not a fun way to live. Instead, set aside days when you and your partner will not see each other, and go have some fun with different groups of people. These times away from your partner can help your relationship become stronger. This is another good way to work on building your trust and communication as well.
4. Be able to support each other. You and your partner may be the most important support system in each other’s lives. You and your partner have to learn when and how you each need support. For example, my boyfriend had the biggest football game of his senior year a few weekends ago. They lost by one point with 12 seconds left of the game. He was devastated, and that is okay. I had to figure out when he needed some space and I needed to back off, and when he needed me the most. That night, I sent him texts checking up on him and his mental health. I offered to take him out somewhere but he already had made plans. He was surrounded by friends that night, so I was not as worried as I would have been if he was alone. The next day, he was with family in the morning, but I spent the next afternoon and night with him doing things that would distract him. When he was ready to talk about it, I was there to support him and listen to him. I let him talk through his feelings with no judgment. It is still hard for him to this day, but I let him have his space to think about everything. That is really the most important thing with support, you cannot force it. You have to let your partner come to you when they are ready to be supported. Be present with them, and really hear them out. This can really make a difference in your partner’s life.
These are my tips for keeping a healthy relationship. There is no science or research behind any of this, these are just things that have worked for me as an overthinker with an anxiety disorder. I completely understand if any of these do not work for you and that is okay. I hope this helps as many of you as possible and I hope it helps you discover some of your own ways to get into and keep a healthy relationship. Enjoy your holiday season! With love, Larissa.