I have always been outspoken. I inherited it from my mother, this whole “no-filter” attitude. I always admired the way she was always able to speak her mind, so much so that I decided to live like that as well.
At home, I’m known as the “bold” friend. Everyone knows that I speak my mind, and am not afraid about confrontation. I am used to giving my friends advice about how to stick up for themselves, and what to say when confronting people. I have always taken pride in the fact that my friends confided in me with these types of problems. It has always been a very large part of my identity.
Then came college.
When I got to college, I knew I might have to tone myself down a little. I needed to filter myself, just until I made friends, and then I could be myself. My mom gave me the same advice. I thought it would be easy, to just tone myself down a little. I did not realize how difficult it would be to give up a piece of my identity.
It started slow. I wouldn’t make the side comments I would usually make, and I wouldn’t add in my opinion if it was different from everyone elses. This didn’t bother me, at first. I just went along with it, telling myself it would stop once I was close enough to my friends.
As I began to get a close knit group of friends, this attitude continued. I still found it difficult to speak my mind, which is something I never dealt with before. I started taking the easy way out whenever I had a problem, and stopped telling my friends when something was bothering me. Instead of facing problems head-on, I would try to work around them, or just let it bother me. This lead to me starting to develop anxiety. I was anxious because I couldn’t be myself, speak my mind, or resolve my problems. Instead, I would just let everything bother me, and keep it inside of me.
One night, it all became too much. At 1 A.M, in my best friend’s dorm room, I broke. I began to cry and I just couldn’t stop. I told them all everything I was feeling- about my anxiety and about how much trouble I was having. And they all listened. Once I finally calmed down, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I felt relief because I realized in that moment, that it’s okay to be myself. It’s okay to be bold. It’s okay to voice my opinion, even if it’s different, because if they are truly your friends they will always be there to listen.
Now, I have regained that part of myself that is such a large part of my identity. I realized how important it is for me to be able to speak my mind. I learned one of life’s most important lessons: do not lose yourself to try and make others happy.