Having been in a relationship for now almost three years, I have been through my fair share of arguments, fights, and stupid bickering. Regardless of if the argument was over something substantial, or irrelevant, it is essential to have a means to bounce back from the state of being impeccably angry and flustered, and return to an elated loving level.
While I wish I had a top ten “cure-alls” to relationships, I unfortunately do not (please don’t stop reading!). I have however come to learn what is useful, and quite useless to breaking the tears of sadness into a triumphant smile. On a side note, even if you are not in a relationship, that is also not a means to stop reading. Having a remedy for a relationship can be useful in SO many ways! Whether its overcoming the relentless battle with your parents, the issues that you have with certain power driven people, or conflicts with friends and roomates; my hopes are that these remedies will be able to help everyone in some way.
The “essential” remedies come from within. While I wish I had a prescription I could give to you to solve your problems with someone(I would be a MILLIONAIRE!) , there are very few external influences that can bring two people back together.
While these are mere suggestions, they can be applied to many different relationships and are almost common sense. However, just something to keep in mind next time you are reaching breaking (up) point.
The first essential internal remedy is the ability to listen. While most of us think, “well I am a good listener, I let him say what he wants to say”; that is not the type of listening that leads to a successful relationship. You need to be an active listener, in which you respond appropriately and to honestly take in what they say. While you may not agree with everything that is said, that is okay! You just need to allow the other person to talk and share their side of the story. No one is perfect and no one is ever fully right. Once you can realize that it will be easier to listen to the other persons perspective. Listening does not mean agreeing, it just means allowing the other person to open up their mind. If you beg to differ, than silence will be your remedy.
The next essential internal remedy is a sense of understanding. Again, understanding is not agreeing, but it is showing the other person that you have taken in what they said and you have internalized it and accepted it. Understanding another is one of the greatest gifts you can give because it shows that you acknowledge their insight and appreciate their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. It is difficult to separate understanding and agreeing, however understanding someone holds immense explanatory power of his or her decisions. If you allow yourself to see what their mind was going through at the time, it will help you make sense of their actions.
One of the hardest parts about redeeming a relationship is the “your fault” aspect. Throw that out the window RIGHT now.
Quick, define relationship.
What is the first thing that comes to mind? Togetherness? Two people? Friendship? Nothing about being an individual. When you point the finger and say it is someone else’s fault that is automatically cutting the relationship right down the middle to have two individuals. This paradigm is what you should think of in the midst of conflict, because the minute that you point the finger is the minute you have lost the battle.
If all else fails, then take a breather. Sometimes you don’t have to figure everything out in that instant and once each person has let their thoughts, emotions, adrenaline settle, everything becomes more clear. In fact, I recommend waiting, even just 5 minutes, to rebuttal so that you can reset your mind. Leave the room, take a walk, sit in silence, hang up, whatever. Just remember to get back to the argument at some point soon in order to properly deal with the situation. Pushing something underneath is a BAD idea because we all know it will just come back to the surface and continuously eat away at your thoughts and daily life.
Lastly is the period that I call the “recap” period. While this is sometimes the most agonizing and most painful, it is also the most critical! The recap period is when you have completed an argument and you have both shared your sides and then you are at that awkward moment… when you are thinking, “are we on good terms, are we happy, does he really know what I said?” Well this is the time to form a summary. Trust me, I know it sounds stupid but this is the KEY to saving your relationship. If you are someone who comes across the same thing many times, it is especially critical to try the recap. It is the time to appreciate one another’s personality, and that you DO fight because you are so different, or you DO purposely annoy your mother because you are so similar! The most important part of the recap period is showing that no matter what, this person means something and you are willing to benefit the relationship by trying to change something.
Whether it is friendships, family or significant others, it is inevitable to get into disagreements or arguments. Especially in a time where everyone is growing and changing their ways, leaving for college, or graduating college, the change is bound to create conflict. Some external ways to help keep the foundation on a relationship strong is to come up with fun things you like to do together (watch hockey, go skiing, cook dinner and drink wine). Whatever it is, when you are spending time with someone doing something you both enjoy, not just mindlessly watching Homeland marathons (guilty), the sincere effort of being with someone easily shows your appreciation and can consequently cure silly predicaments.
While these all may seem like common sense things, when put together it does create a methodological plan of action and for my relationships, it seems to work very well!