I have a friend who is often referred to or otherwise known as Gatsby.
As you likely know, Gatsby is derived from the 1925 novel, The Great Gatsby, written by F. Scott Fitzgerald (although there are plenty of arguments that it was actually written by his wife, Zelda, but that is an argument for another time.) The novel follows the life of Nick Carraway and how he navigates through New York, particularly on Long Island, and his experiences with the socialites inhabiting the area. Jay Gatsby, arguably the main character, was a bootlegging millionaire who threw outrageous parties and lived life lavishly. While his personality was mysterious, he seemed to know everyone due to his charisma and charm.
This friend of mine earned his name through his nightlife endeavors. He was either the place to be at, or knew the place to go, and had this suspicious way of knowing everyone and everything in some sort of fashion. It is frequent in a conversation for you to tell him something, and for him to reply with “I already know.” You would think he had spy cameras set up around campus, but if you knew him personally, you’d know he couldn’t care less about what people were doing, yet everyone seemed to confide in him anyway.
I have been friends with Gatsby for quite a few years, meeting him while working at a local marina in my small yet notable town on Lake Winnipesaukee. He was quick to ease into conversation and had a certain witty sense of humor that made for a comfortable environment.
While I was not super close with him my freshman year of college, we would still see each other on occasion and quickly fall back into conversation as if no time had passed at all. This past year, however, I was struggling with a hefty amount of drama and knew that I could talk to him about anything. Perhaps it was the few comforting texts he would send on occasion, or the consistently genuine discussions we would have, but I knew I needed to talk to someone. And so, I suddenly found myself frequently sitting in his suite, with the windows cracked, under a ceiling of vibrant tapestries, confiding information about various circumstances, good and bad, about friends or a new guy, seeking his advice.
The truth of the matter is that while Gatsby knew how to throw a good party, throwing back glasses of Tennessee honey whiskey while entertaining the dozens of people in the suite with a certain grace, he was a young man with an old man’s advice.
Cozied up with a blanket he would toss around me, likely some sports game on in the background, Gatsby would often find himself sitting a couple of inches away with a poker face masked on taking the time to listen to me. After I would finish my tangent, he would give a couple sentences of advice, calm and collected, and simultaneously look to comfort me and bring me back up.
Here are some of the things he taught me.
First, know when to cut someone off.
Simply put, friendship breakups suck. Breakups in general suck. Especially when there are multiple parties involved. However, if the friendship or relationship has faded, with conversation being a constant chore and the connection being lost. If they have turned on you multiple times, putting themselves before you, hurting you and others in the process, they are never going to be someone you can trust and love again. It is hard, incredibly hard, but you have to distance yourself. If they are not serving you now, they never will in the future.
Second, learn to make new connections.
We often find ourselves comfortable with our current friendships, no matter how sour they might have gotten. Especially as you get older, it is easy to become scared of pursuing new people, but it’s the pure moments we share with people, the experiences and memories you make with them, that truly make every life special and worth living. I got so used to saying no to things and focusing on one group of people that I forgot how to say yes to others. It was that simple moment of realization, that I started to break out of my shell once more, and say yes to everything, even if it was nerve-wracking. I had almost forgotten what a joy it is to meet an entirely new person, learn about who they are, what they love and hate and how they can make you laugh and leave with a smile.
Third, surround yourself with people you genuinely enjoy being around.
You should never enter a room of “friends,” stressed about how they might perceive you, leaving and wondering if you might have done anything wrong. The beauty of friendship is that you get to pick who you share yourself and your time with. There is freedom in that, that people often seem to forget. By meeting new people and learning what I was looking for in a person, I was able to quickly determine whether or not I saw our connection as lasting and fruitful, leaving behind those who raised little red flags.
Fourth, do not be afraid to use your voice.
Quick reminder, we are blessed to have the freedom of speech. Do not be afraid to speak up about something that is bothering you. Do not be afraid to say no to something you have no interest in doing. I know so many people who are worried about how someone might react to a certain situation if they bring it up, or if someone is going to hate them. The harsh truth is that this is your life, and you should never be treated in a way that is wrong or force yourself to do something just so someone else does not get mad. While logic and compassion are vital in these situations, you need to put yourself first and if another person is upset with you doing what is in your best interest, they are not your friend.
Fifth, be a genuine person.
To those you choose to surround yourself with, be there with them through thick and thin. First, make them feel loved and wanted, bring them up when they are down and expect the same in return. Little gestures like a coffee or a sweet text can change someone’s whole day, particularly when it is from a friend they genuinely care for and love. Be in the moment with them and listen with intent when they discuss past experiences. Second, tell them things they need to hear. No one wants to be told that they are acting crazy or delusional, but sometimes it’s needed. The truth is hard to give and even harder to hear, but in that there is an opportunity for trust to be built. Finally, protect their reputation and defend them when they need it. They are your person and do not deserve public disdain from others. Remember, loyalty speaks a thousand words.
Through the bits of guidance he has offered me, I have learned that everyone needs their Gatsby, someone who is every bit of the advice that they give. Someone who not only knows how to have fun and joke around, but who is truly a genuine person. Gatsby carefully curates the people he surrounds himself with, having no fear in expressing how he feels about something or someone, good or bad. You know he will tell you the truth about a situation, even if it might hurt to hear, and is there to console you after. He is someone to banter and laugh with, who you can learn new things from while, in turn, enjoying anything you might teach him and, most importantly, he is someone you can fall back on and trust. Mature, level-headed and incredibly sarcastic; I am grateful to have someone like that in my life. And I hope that everyone can have a friendship like that, a person who can guide them through life, holding their hand through the bad, and jokingly shoving them around through the good.