Recently, I have been reflecting on what it will take to cultivate balance within myself. The past few years have struck with a force that has left me rattled and uncertain, but I am starting to see the progress I have made. Last March and onward, something shifted. The person I am today is indescribable to who I was and who I thought I would be a year ago. I marvel at how the desires that now-stranger had are my current repulsions. Something that crept up, like ivy on stone, was a return of the interest and hobbies my younger self enjoyed. Lately, more and more, I’ve found myself attached to the music, pop culture, and aesthetics that I gravitated towards in middle and high school. This reattachment is special though because there are no conditions this time around.
I spent a lot of my developing years being passionate about my interests in silence, in part because I like silence, but also because I felt shame. Not many people I knew liked what I liked – or they did, but they, too, were enjoying the painful silence – and I was afraid of the rejection that comes with being honest. I was no different than any other teenager; I played my music way too loud, felt misunderstood, and cared really, really hard about what made me happy. The shame that created a cloud of cynicism back then has been blown away by authenticity. I used to be afraid of playing my favorite music around people because I didn’t want to be labeled as “weird”; for the last month I have kept my favorite albums from the 2010s pop punk movement in heavy rotation and in my car, there’s never any aux judging. I used to dye my hair frequently but stopped because I wanted to be more “natural”. While that choice was inarguably the healthier one for my hair, it was done with desire to fit in. I dyed my hair purple and thought about how awestruck my fourteen-year-old self would be at the sight of me.
The simplicity of what it took to please my younger self is a little bit heartbreaking because all it is, is courage. What worries me today is not what others will think of me for living honestly. I have endured far worse than anticipated judgment; I just wish I could go back and tell myself that. I am trying to do right by her with my decisions. Who I let in, how I choose to present myself, and what I dedicate my time to are all in her honor. I can feel her smile growing brighter by the day.