Long-distance relationships are not fun. Even though late-night FaceTime calls, care packages and traveling to see your S.O. might bring some joy, long-distance couples will struggle. I thought my long-distance relationship would be like a Tumblr post. I expected to see my boyfriend every month and give/receive gifts and cute love notes. Unfortunately, my experience was from what the internet led me to believe. Seemingly out of nowhere, I moved to New York City to pursue my career in the arts while he stayed in Kansas City, which is over 1,000 miles away (and at the time, a $1,000 plane ticket). Because neither of us had enough money or time, we saw each other for a little over three weeks out of the entire year! And with our busy schedules, we had limited time to talk about our days. We missed each others’ birthdays and numerous holidays (except Christmas — thank goodness). I missed him every single day. Despite all of this, however, I wouldn’t change anything. I’m happy I went through long-distance because it changed my relationship from good to incredibly amazing. Here’s what I learned:
- To Be Certain Even When I’m Uncertain.
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When you don’t see a person for a long amount of time, you start to forget their quirks, unique characteristics or even their body language and facial expressions. FaceTime can only do so much to portray a person, and I began to forget things about my boyfriend that had been so memorable when I was with him every day. I also started to feel like I didn’t even have a boyfriend. I would do everything a single person would do, minus dating other people, of course. I would spend most of my time with my friends or alone and focused on stuff like my career and hobbies (tons of hobbies).
My boyfriend and I used to joke we were a “phone couple” and he was my “internet boyfriend.” The relationship started to feel not real. Not only were we distanced physically, but we were also distanced romantically, socially and emotionally. For many, this might make a person feel unsure about their relationship. When you feel you’re losing a connection with someone, you will obviously begin to question whether the relationship is worth it. I was afraid I’d be uncertain and feel unstable, but I reminded myself that we both chose to stay in the relationship because we were in it for the long haul — what’s a year out of many decades?
Although I began to forget what our relationship was like before being long-distance, I remembered how it made me feel. I trusted that I was super happy before and, therefore, I’d be super happy after. Every time I visited my boyfriend, I was reminded of what we shared and pleasantly surprised by the beauty of our love. The struggle of keeping that connection also made our relationship stronger by teaching us not to question whether it’s “worth it” when we go through hard times. Of course our relationship is worth it! Not everything is picture perfect. Life is not a cute couple Instagram post!
We also found ways to rekindle our connection during rough patches and focus on the importance of our time together. I can honestly say I haven’t been through any “hard times” with my boyfriend since that long-distanced year. We’ve learned to cherish every second!
- To Discover Who I Am
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Remember how I said I had tons of hobbies while being in a long-distance relationship? Before it, I had none. I spent my first two years of college struggling to figure out what I wanted to do with my future and was so stressed about what my life would amount to; I stopped focusing on the opportunities in front of me.
I used my relationship as an excuse to not do anything else. My LDR gave me time to realize that I was stressing for no reason and to discover who I am and what I want to be. I tried everything I was interested in, including dance fitness, runway modeling, painting, drumming, photography, accounting, etc. Everything I was too scared to do and opted out of by relying on my boyfriend to give me some kind of “life fulfillment,” I finally did. I found I loved dance fitness and invested in some instructor certifications. By focusing on making myself better, my relationship got better. If you rely on your S.O. to make you happy, you will never be happy. My long-distance relationship gave me an identity other than being someone’s girlfriend.
- To Look Towards the Future and Make Amends with the Past.
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When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’re always thinking about when you’ll see your S.O. next. During every phone call, I found myself saying, “I can’t wait to see you.” I also found myself daydreaming about the dates I’d go on or holidays we’d spend together — I’d even think about small things like watching a movie or going to the grocery store with him.
Before long-distance, I’d often find myself blaming him or myself for things that may have happened earlier in our relationship. But during long-distance, there’s no time for that. I’ve begun to remind myself that I never know how much time I have with a person; dwelling on the past is a waste of time. I want to cherish the now and dream about what my relationship and I can grow to be.
My long-distance relationship taught me to be strong. It made me realize not only how amazing I am, but how amazing my boyfriend is as well. Your long-distance relationship will be challenging. Fortunately, once the distance ends and you are back together, it will feel as if you two were never apart. Because each of you will have changed and grown, your relationship will most likely feel different—but in a good way. Time apart allows you to put things in perspective and, in turn, if it’s meant to be, will make your relationship stronger and happier.