My sexual assault story is one that I’ve never reported. I never told my sister, or my mom or even some of my friends. Although I had this experience over a year ago, it’s one that I can remember clear as day. It seems to follow me even after so much time. It keeps me up at night, and I replay the memory in my mind thinking about all the ways that I could have avoided the situation or wishing that others had stepped in to help.
My story takes place about two summers ago. I was hanging out with friends and we were planning on attending a little party at our friend’s house, a location I had been at before, where I knew everyone in attendance. There was no reason for me to be afraid. I attended the party, and as the designated driver, I remained sober throughout the evening while many of the other attendees got intoxicated.
I found myself off to the side of the party just chatting with a group of people. I didn’t feel threatened or afraid as I’ve known these people for almost two years. Slowly, people started to drift off back to the festivities and I was left with just one of my male friends, who we’ll call Jake. Still, I was not worried. There were people standing on the other side of the room engaged in their own conversation, but I was in no way alone with Jake.
Jake and I kept chatting, and he suddenly began complimenting me. He kept repeating how beautiful I was, how I was stunning, saying I was gorgeous, etc. I thought it was odd, considering he knew I had a boyfriend that he had met before, but I brushed it off, making excuses for him and thinking it was just due to the intoxication. He then put his hand on my back and pulled me in for a hug. Once again, I thought it was odd but didn’t feel like Jake meant any harm by it. His hand lingered, and before I knew it, he had slipped it into my shirt, around to the front and he began touching me inappropriately. I was in utter disbelief at what he was doing. He was supposed to be my friend. There were other people in the room. How did things get to this point?
I immediately got up and told him that made me very uncomfortable before leaving the room. I returned to my friends and tried to put what had just happened behind me. I couldn’t understand my feelings and why I felt shame. There was no reason for ME to be ashamed. It was in no way my fault. It wasn’t until the next morning that I felt the need to tell my friends. I shared my story with them and they comforted me, asking if I would like to pursue any further action. I declined, saying I would rather just move on and ignore it.
Why didn’t I report the incident? I ask myself this often. I think I felt ashamed, as if it were my fault that this had happened. I felt guilt that if I were to say something, I could hurt Jake’s future career or social life. I didn’t want to continue to relive the experience and I thought the memory would fade and be forgotten. I thought I was being dramatic and that my situation didn’t warrant a need to be reported (which is entirely false). There were so many thoughts and feelings around the situation that I just didn’t want to get into and force myself to go through if I were to decide to report the incident.
My purpose in sharing my story is in hopes that others who have gone through something similar know that they are not alone. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself when others treat you wrongly. Take time to heal and work through your feelings. I know it’s not easy or pleasant. But most importantly, you did NOT deserve what happened to you. You were not “asking for it.” You are not to blame.