Being nice is great but unfortunately, it isn’t good enough all the time. A few words I could use to describe myself might be a “people pleaser,” sensitive, gentle or even indecisive. While these could be seen as positive characteristics, they aren’t always helpful in many situations. One of the most difficult challenges for me has been learning how to say what I want clearly and respectfully. With becoming more assertive, I have learned a couple things along the way I would tell to someone wanting to be more assertive.
You have to be okay with telling people how you really feel. I would typically avoid asserting my opinion on things because I was constantly afraid of how other people would feel. It was not until I took a step back to acknowledge my own feelings that I realized I was not conveying how I truly felt. I’m the kind of person who rarely ever shares how I feel during situations, so it didn’t surprise me that I would stay silent sometimes to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. However, I have now recognized that my feelings are legitimate. They can be shared in a non-threatening and polite way to help others understand my point of view. Recognize that others cannot assume how you feel unless you tell them, and thus being direct is crucial.
I have realized the importance of saying “no” and being perfectly okay with doing so. For me, it meant turning my “maybe” into a definite “no” more often. Rather than work people into my schedule when it is full, I am instead honest with them in a considerate way. While I am still working to get better at turning things down, it has felt good to be able to recognize my limits and put my needs first. Feeling uncomfortable after is okay and may take some time getting used to.
Communicating assertively has allowed me to feel more confident in my interactions and has given me more control on life. While I still do consider myself to be a nice person, I am a person who can voice my opinions clearly while respecting others. Start taking charge of your own decisions whether it means saying “no” for the first time to requests you don’t have time for or disagreeing with a different point of view. You might experience feelings of guilt, but these should not be your own fault. Remember that putting yourself first doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.