Struggling to write a paper? Is the fear overwhelming & making you tremble in your little fur boots? No worries. I’m here to tell you how to write the perfect paper.
1. First, you have to put off writing the paper until three days before the due date – which you have already done because you are here. By now, you should feel the panic gently knocking on the door of your mind. However, you will not be opening that door anytime soon because you have other things to do such as reading this article and convincing yourself that you still have three days left so all is well. Finish the reading that is due two weeks from now – your tomorrow self will thank you for it. Look at you keeping everything under control! Reward yourself with five hours of television for all your hard work.
2. Now, it is day two and the panic has settled comfortably in your brain. It has had a bag of popcorn & the meme of “everything is on fire” is the reflection of the inside of your brain. Only you are aware of the state of worry you are in but that is OK. You got this in the bag. Go ahead and buy some candy, you need the comfort. Go out to the dorm party – you NEVER relax.
3. The essay is due in a day and your panic begins to show when you overhear some people say they already completed the essay. Breath in and remember you are fine. No one is dead yet. It’s just a 150 point paper. It does not define you- you are a Queen.
4. The essay is due in 15 hours and now is a great time to organize your closet. You need to do this because you can not find anything and decluttering will help you feel like your life is in order. Productive is your middle name! After that, let’s do laundry!
5. Eleven hours until the essay is due and you feel nervous but nothing a fan, a movie, and some chocolate can’t fix. Let’s paint our nails using that marble technique we heard about on the internet. Nothing can be done until these nails are finished and dry.
6. Nine hours until the Turnitin portal closes and the nails came out like trash so let’s clean those immediately. Everything is fine. Let’s put on this avocado mask. Your life may not be perfect but at least your skin will be f**king spotless.
7. Four hours until due time & everything is screwed, global warming is happening, people are dying – is there even a point in trying to do this essay? I mean we all are going to turn to nothing & be dust & the universe will end anyway. It’s time to lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling.
8. It is 3 am. 3 hours & 45 minutes until the deadline. Grab two Red Bulls, start the coffee machine and tie up your hair. Girl, you did not get into college and pay 5,000 dollars to fail! You are not a quitter! Chug that Red Bull & open your laptop – you GOT this.
9. Begin your paper with an outrageous line such as “Today I teach you what I have just skimmed in the past hour and allow me to explain what I have learned while typing this paper with my two red bulls and four cups of coffee accompanying me .”
10. It is a minute until the deadline and you just turned the paper in. Smile. You did it. Sigh & slide off your work chair as you close your eyes in relief saying never will you ever put off a paper again. We both know that is not true but let’s just believe in the impossible today. As your eyes close, you realize you never took out that ridiculous line at the beginning of that paper.