You guys, things are really starting to get “real”…. Tears are starting to run like water from a faucet (and I totally mean that).
The previews make it seem like someone is losing their virginity tonight (a.k.a. stay tuned to find out).
First thing’s first… GROUP DATE. As usual, everyone is acting super psyched. I was bored by this at first, but then the date card said Ashley Kardashian was attending, so I perked up. Also, on the group date is our new front runner, Kaitlin from Kanada, Megan the Makeup Artist, Kale’s mom, and some other people I have never seen before. How are there still people on the show if I don’t know their names?
The date card says something about, “getting natural.” All of the girls are suddenly professional investigators and decide this means they shouldn’t wear any makeup (I guess this is the “natural” thing they were going for). Joking around, they all pretend to agree to wear no makeup. News flash: you wear your natural makeup look, ladies. In other words, we apply our makeup to look as natural as possible. This way, a boy will say you look pretty without any makeup on. This is what I (and the majority of the female population) do. I’m sorry if anyone I have tricked is reading this; you were punk’d.
So, this date is all about camping. Everyone is also wearing their new Vitoria’s Secret bikinis. I can tell because they are pretty much wearing the same suit, just in different colors. Believe me, if my boobs were that small, I would be doing the same thing. Actually, I take that back. Ashley Kardashian is wearing an American Flag bikini to go with what looks like her best contouring to date and four pairs of fake eyelashes (either that or she OD’d on some Latisse, which apparently makes your eyelashes grow super fast for those of you who don’t know). Kaitlin from Kanada and virgin Ashley Kardashian both take a garment of their bikinis off. There are only two pieces to choose from, so Chris saw some lady parts. Some girl whose name I don’t know called them bimbos. That was kind of annoying.
Fast forward to Ashley S. drinking too much (or not at all, it’s hard to tell with her), and singing some camp fire songs that have no words. She says some weird stuff to Chris. Everyone laughs. Kaitlin from Kanada gets the group date rose. Everyone “goes to sleep.” Ashley Kardashian, however, will have no part in this sleeping business. She “sneaks” into Chris’ tent and tries telling him that even though she makes out with him and almost swallows his whole face each time, that she is a virgin. She doesn’t say it explicitly, though, so Chris pretty much shuts her up by putting his mouth back on hers, and has no idea that she is a virgin. I get nervous that we are about to see Ashley Kardashian’s sex tape, but noooooo. This is literally all that happens. I am annoyed because the previews made it seem like more than this… Angry tweeting now.
During the date, Chris’ three sisters come and visit The Bachelor mansion. They “interview” the girls to pick a one-on-one date with him. This is what I gathered from the interviews: Carly the Cruise Ship Singer wants to date her grandpa (she cried). Her eyebrows are still scaring me. Whitney with the Disney Princess Voice tells them she’s from Kentucky (feeling bad for all the mean stuff I said about her), but she’s actually from Louisville, which doesn’t exist (not feeling bad anymore). Becca is really pretty and I couldn’t think of who she reminded me of so I didn’t hear anything she said. She looks like a tan Carrie Underwood. Someone I don’t know talks. Lastly, Jade talks about how she produced a line of organic makeup, and nobody is more excited than Kale’s mom (Mkenzie). Jade gets the date with Chris because they don’t have makeup in Iowa and she gave the sisters free samples. It’s Cinderella themed. Imagine that. She gets all “dolled up” for her date with Prince Farming in a ball gown, some diamonds that look horrible with the gown (who cares how big they are), and some Louboutins. Get this. SHE GETS TO KEEP THE LOUBOUTINS. LEAVE NOW AND TAKE THE SHOES, JADE. Blah blah blah. Jade is completely normal and nice, so she gets the rose.
Okay, next up: group date numero dos. Jillian, who never stops talking about Crossfit (imagine that), Whitney with the Disney Princess Voice (also from the place that doesn’t exist), Becca, who looks like a tan Carrie Underwood, and Britt are all on this date. Drum roll, please: they all get to wear a wedding dress. Whitney is beside herself at this point, because last week she crashed a wedding and this week she is wearing a wedding dress. So, obviously, things are really heating up for her. During the date, the girls have to do like a mud run or something in the wedding gowns. The winner gets a one-on-one date with Chris, and the losers head back to the mansion to drink and layout. Jillian obviously wins because she does Crossfit… duh. In normal Crossfit fashion, Jillian talks about Crossfit for the whole date. Some of the girls talk about previous engagements and some talk about tragic deaths and having a kid, but nope, not Jillian. She is talking about Crossfit, if you hadn’t guessed yet. She is clearly here to find a Crossfit partner. She is not here for the “right reasons.” Thank The Bachelor gods that Chris catches onto to my theory as well. She does not get the rose, and no one is sad about this. Especially not me.
Cocktail party. Booze it up, ladies.
Ashley Kardashian is crying because she needs to tell Chris again that she is a virgin. She tells Chris she’s a virgin. He doesn’t care at all and thinks it’s awesome. Any other person in the entire world would think this conversation went well, but not our girl Ash. Nope. She is crying again because she feels stupid, even though Chris was totally cool with it. I’m very confused now. She then feels like she should tell the rest of the girls she’s a virgin. She never stops talking about being a virgin. It’s exactly like Jillian and Crossfit. But, oh? What’s this? While she tells the girls her “news,” Becca steals the show and says she’s a virgin too. So, now, Ashley Kardashian is crying because she’s not the only virgin (I made this last sentence up).
Okay, so I can’t take any more of this cocktail party. I haven’t seen Ashley S. and Chris talk and I’m getting nervous that she is going home. Ding ding ding. Chris Harrison in the house.
Chris sent someone I have literally never seen before on the show home – the girl who told her sad story at the pool party last week that wasn’t a party at all – and ASHLEY S. I am crying now. I feel like Ashley Kardashian. Ashley S. says nothing at all to Chris. She just hugs him and walks out. She better redeem herself in her exit interview. She does. She says, “I feel nothing.” And, this is the moment my spirit animal changed from Jennifer Lawrence to Ashley S. She gets me.
Next week, they are going to Santa Fe for some reason, so you should probably just keep reading my blogs instead of watching the show.
Also, I have decided to tell you guys who I think is going to “win”… Becca. Becca is the tan Carrie Underwood and kind of looks like my cousin Jami (shout out). Becca is my choice and I’m sticking to it.