I think this is Week 9.
Honestly, who even cares?
IT’S THE WOMEN TELL ALL! WOO! This is my favorite part of the show.
There are always two rows of women. The top row is the women we’ve never actually seen before and have no idea if ABC hired them to fill the seats. The bottom row is the women we actually know. Unfortunately for the entire world, the top row of women, who were on the show for like four whole seconds, have the most to say.
The episode starts out with shots fired as Britt is the first one in the hot seat. Right away, Carly the Cruise Ship Singer lays it on her. Can I just say that Carly looks like she dumped a gallon of bleach on her head before filming this episode? Also, she has tadpoles for eyebrows. Whatever. Anyway, I am ready for Britt to let her crazy out and unleash it on Carly. Britt kind of cries the whole time. I still have love for her. Carly interrupts Britt the whole time. And, I just want someone (anyone) to give Carly a box of hair dye during the commercial break.
Kelsey is in the hot seat next. Are there any Kelsey fans out there hiding? I would like to know, for real. Kelsey is trying so hard to cry. It is okay if you don’t cry, Kels. It is not a rule that you have to cry. This lady is notorious for her drama though, so she doesn’t surprise me at all when she asks Chris Harrison for a tissue. He gives her his pocket square and we all know that was her plan all along; to get his pocket square as the last remaining piece of her closet shrine to him.
Ashley S. is in the hot seat next. They just show the weird stuff she did and then she does more weird stuff. I would tell you, but I don’t feel like typing it. My nails are getting really long, and it’s getting harder and harder for me to type.
Kaitlyn is up next. First of all, she looks chic. Second of all, I find it hard to trust someone who looks that great: no fat rolls, in a tight, white skirt and matching crop top. I mean, seriously. She is sitting and slouching and still… no fat roll to be seen; only skin. Kaitlyn tells her story of what happened after she went home. She is being super charismatic and obviously looks great in tight clothes, so her interview to be The Bachelorette is going well so far. I am hoping she is. Kaitlyn CAN sit with us.
Prince Farming is now sitting in the hot seat. I thought Britt definitely had to be out of tears at this point, but no. The mere sight of him makes her cry. So, she gets to talk to him first. She asks if she can go sit by him. Obviously, they aren’t going to tell her no. She and Chris hug for about five TV minutes. Holy crap, this is a long hug. But, wait… here comes the best part. Camera on Carly the Cruise Ship Singer. She’s Crying. LOL. Why is she crying? Probably has some bleach in her eyeballs. Chris’s forehead is sweating a lot. I am happy to report I cannot see his pit sweat… finally. Only took nine weeks for him and his stylists to figure that out. Britt tells Chris she respects him and stuff like that. Ugh. I want her to be my friend. She could teach me how to be a pretty crier.
Kaitlyn gets to talk to Chris next. She asks him for closure. He doesn’t really give her any. She is still nailing her Bachelorette interview; showing no clear signs of weakness.
Jade gets to talk to him next. She is crying and Chris looks scared that she will show him her Playboy photos again. She confronts him about what he wrote in his blog about her. This is probably the time Chris should admit he doesn’t write his blog. He is The Bachelor for crying out loud. Chris basically does not want to have this conversation. So, he says what any smart man would say, “I’m sorry.” And, it was like freaking magic. Jade starts like smiling and laughing. I’m afraid it wouldn’t be that easy with me, but I would never be on “Women Tell All,” because I would get the Final Rose *hair flip y’all* (or be The Bachelorette, duh).
The episode is about to run over its allotted time. So, Chris Harrison hurriedly shows us the cover of his new book and reveals he has been living under the surname of, Nicholas Sparks. Kidding. But, he really did show us his book. I’m not embarrassed to say that I will probably read it.
I have been saying since Week Two that Becca, who looks like a tan Carrie Underwood and my cousin, Jami, will receive the Final Rose. I am feeling like Whitney is going to win now, but I’m not giving up on my intuition or my girl Becca. Still holding out for her. Meanwhile, I would like to tell all my faithful readers that Kaitlyn is probably going to be The Bachelorette. Unless, of course, ABC finally starts taking me seriously, and reveals what we all want to happen… I am The Bachelorette.
See ya next week for the Finale and After the Final Rose!