THE FINAL ROSE.
First things first… I’m the realest.
Nah, I’m kidding.
First things first… I sincerely thank all of you so much for reading my posts. You guys completely validate my life by telling me how entertaining I am. Seriously.
I am so sad this is my last Bachelor Blog… what am I going to do with my life?
For real, does anyone have any ideas?
The date starts off with Whitney meeting Chris’ family in Arlington, Iowa. Whitney is so overzealous Iowa. I don’t know if I have ever been that excited about anything in my life (besides food, of course). Her “perky” is just a little too loud for me. I think everyone already knows that by now. Anyway, Whitney is balls to the wall, telling Chris’ family how much she loves him and all of them. I tried counting, but once I got to eight, I had to stop because I was thirsty. Besides, Whitney’s voice started to make my ears bleed again. If this whole winning The Bachelor thing doesn’t work out for Whit, maybe Chris and his family could adopt her? Too far?
Meanwhile, Chris talks to his family about Becca… on Whitney’s date… Awk. His family loved her. She is from Kentucky. She is charismatic. Duh.
In other news: I predict that Whit stole Chris’ sperm on the fantasy suite date and she may or not be pregnant at After the Final Rose. We shall see.
Side note: Chris’ dog is so ugly.
At this point in the episode, I am still standing firm with Becca.
Becca is up next. She still looks like a tan Carrie Underwood and my cousin, Jami. She is seriously so pretty that I paused my TV, went to my bathroom and put some makeup on. I can’t even hang out with myself while she is on TV. Becca is kind of secretly hilarious and it seemed like his family was laughing at her jokes the whole time. What more could a girl want? Especially this particular girl who writes the Bachelor Blog, just saying.
Becca and Chris’ mom also have some one-on-one time, naturally. Can I just say that I love Chris’ mom? I’m not embarrassed to say she gave me cold chills. I think Chris’ mom is Team Becca, because real knows real… am I right or am I right?
Now that Hometown Dates are over, Chris got to spend a little one-on-one time with each of the girls. He goes to Becca’s hotel room to hang out with her. Well, he didn’t go there to hang out; he went there to see if she was in love with him and would move to Iowa right away. Becca firmly stands by what she has said all along: she isn’t moving to Iowa right away, because they’ve been dating on national television for TWO MONTHS. Like, no, Chris, she isn’t going to move there. It seems like Chris just really wants Becca to say she loves him, and she’s not really saying it.
By the way, Becca is like one year older than me, so I don’t know why she got to be on The Bachelor and I haven’t yet? This is crap, you guys. Someone start a petition. I thought you guys liked me?! You can say you know me when I’m on TV. It’s a win, win, really.
Whitney now gets to spend her one-on-one time with Chris. And, Chris takes Whitney to his house and his farm. This is also known as “foreshadowing” that Whitney wins. The truth is: Becca really dodged a bullet by not having to go to the farm. I grew up on a farm and I didn’t even want to go there. Like, at all. Chris and Whitney talk by the fire. Whitney looks like she can get down with a little Pinot Grigio and I’m not mad about that. Whitney tells Chris she loves him, at least 47 more times. She tells him the reason she loves him is because she can finish his sentences… I think what she really means by that is she doesn’t ever let him talk. So, yeah, she finishes his sentences. At this point, I would be saying actions speak louder than words, lady, just to get her to stop saying she loves me. If Whitney doesn’t win, someone will die.
Okay, it’s Rose Ceremony time. Who will he choose? Whitney? Becca? Will Whitney be pregnant? Will she admit she stole his sperm?
The setting is in Chris’ barn. Why not? We all know the first lady to get out of the limo is the first loser. And, the first loser was…. BECCA *crying*. For the record, I chose Becca to win on Week Three, and that was a pretty damn good guess. Patting myself on the back. Chris tells Becca she’s not “the one.” Blah. Blah. Blah.
Becca gets back in the limo and cries approximately zero tears. I was more upset about missing breakfast this morning than she was about not winning The Bachelor. That either says a lot about me or a lot about her. I will let you decide.
Whitney gets out of the limo. Chris Harrison tells her she is shaking like a leaf. It’s snowing in Iowa. So, yeah, she would be. Her prom dress and prom hair are killing me. Literally cutting me wide open. As soon as she sees Chris, she starts talking and I am 100 percent sure she is the one who is going to propose. She won’t stop talking.
Finally, Chris gets a word in and just goes straight to the “I love you” and “Will you marry me?” The good news is, UK is undefeated in basketball and The Bachelor.
You can’t sit with us.
I’m just going to skip the whole After the Final Rose and cut to the chase. Britt and Kaitlyn are both our new Bachelorettes and I couldn’t be happier. I will probably be asked to come on the show and help them with their search to find love, kind of like Jimmy Kimmel did this season. It’s a thing.
The Bachelor Blog is over. It is now time to do your necessary mourning.
So much love to all of the readers. You guys keep me so young!