Relationships are hard. Breaking-up is hard. Toxic love is harder.
Hearing the person you “love” constantly rant about how you “need” to lose weight, how you “need” to grow out your hair because you look like a boy, how you just aren’t pretty enough for him, and the list goes on…is even more difficult. It drains you, degrades you, and makes you feel like sh*t.
I’ve never been one for love. Never really liked anyone. Never let anyone like me, for that matter. I stayed “ugly,” as they would say, waiting for no one. I was and still am someone who loves school, loves my parents (even if they still don’t let me go out with friends at 21), and gets the job done. I really didn’t expect to meet anyone I’d ever fall for, at least not in college. I was too busy trying to get my future career started. Yet, I fell for that thing, that so-called “human.”
I will not say that I didn’t cry when I was with that thing. I did…everyday. I know that I am fearless, that I am not ashamed of what and who I am, yet it broke down every ounce of strength I had to keep standing.
Ever heard of mixed signals? Yeah, that thing gave those like free chips and salsa at a Mexican restaurant.
“I will never love you,” it said to me. “You’re pretty, but just not hot enough for me.”
And, I cried, asking, “Why? All I’ve ever been was good and loving to you. I accept you for everything that you are- your anger issues, your need for alcohol- so, why?”
I couldn’t understand anything; I felt lost. It had used me, even if it’d say that it didn’t- for love, for emotional support, for a warm body to lay beside during chilly nights.
All those drunken texts, all those booty calls that made me feel like a sl**, made me break bit by bit. And, all it could say was “I’m sorry.”
There’s this saying that goes, “treat others as you would like to be treated; love as you would like to be loved,” or something like that. But, does anyone actually do what they’re told?
I’ve never been one to cry in front of anyone. My tears were always shed in silence, behind closed doors. Yet, everyone saw my tear-stained face, my swollen lips, and trembling hands.
I don’t know why I even bothered to stay, to listen to you, to believe you when you did say “I love and care for you.” But, I do know that I will never love you again.