Moving in together wasn’t full of joyous bliss. We fought. A lot.
I was worried that we had moved in too soon or that we were incompatible…But now I get it. It’s just what happens when you first move in with a loved one. For anyone else that has recently started sharing a dirty-clothes basket or is thinking about it, I offer you a list of what to expect and what obstacles you and your significant other will overcome.
1. Personal space
If you’re used to living alone, or at least not having to share a bed with someone, the sudden lack of space can be overwhelming. I would attempt to do homework while he watched tv in our studio. If I looked up, I’d notice he’d be staring a me. Of course his reasoning was something adorable, like I looked nice or something, but I still felt like I couldn’t escape. I had no personal space. Nerves escalated quickly.
Solution: Take some time apart. This was more of an issue when we first moved in and had a lot of free time. I thought we would never get time apart. But as our lives got busier, I missed him more and I now enjoy being on top of each other whenever we’re home.
2. Using each other’s things
At first our motto was “what’s mine is yours,” but when he threw around my laptop or I tossed my dirty shoes onto his new running shoes, we got angry, understandably so. Our possessions are dear to us and if someone does not respect our things, we feel they are not respecting us.
Solution: Try to word things as sweet as possible. Instead of screaming “Do you know how much that costs?” we now try to gently point out what the other person is doing. I generally try to keep in mind that he is not trying to disrespect me in any way, he is just oblivious, as I am. It is when I let my mind spiral into the dark hole of thinking he disrespects me is when I’m guilty of inappropriate outbursts.
3. Doing chores
Anyone that has had roommates will understand this one. Once you’re in a relationship, you don’t want to think that you will have to make a chore wheel to keep each other accountable. You want to trust your significant other to just do their part. But weeks go by, and you’re the only one doing the dishes. I would state that our relationship was completely unequal and he would shout back that they were “just dishes,” and it felt like we would fall apart.
Solution: The first step is to realize that it really is just dishes, or laundry, or whatever. Rather than sulking angrily that your S.O. hasn’t been doing their part, or making passive-aggressive comments, just politely ask them to do it. If your loved one is like mine, they’ll be happy to help out with whatever you ask, as long as you ask nicely.
4. Going to bed at different hours
This is huge in our house, as my SO gets up at 2am for his job. I don’t mind him getting up early, as I generally go straight back to bed, but I’m a night owl and he’s asleep by 7. While most couples may not have such a dramatic time difference, early risers and night owls can often butt heads.
Solution: Honestly, the best thing is just to get used to it. I try to plan my day so I’m out of the house or doing something quiet, like on the computer or reading, while he rests.
5. Money issues and equal spending
This was huge for us. We both make around the same amount of money and we figured out who would pay what bills when we first started living together (which I would highly recommend). But things like who would buy groceries started to be a big deal. I would complain that I would buy groceries more and he would exclaim that it was because I ate the most expensive foods (like six dollar pineapple, eesh).
Solution: Similar to the chore dilemma, the first step to realize that money isn’t as important as human relationships. If the spending is completely uneven, it’s best to sit down and have a talk. But if it isn’t out of control, I would recommend that you often switch off, thinking of financials as partially shared. You’re sharing a space and somewhat sharing your life, so to not share your financial’s seems complicated. I do the majority of the grocery shopping, just because I enjoy it and he despises it, so originally I was paying more. After we discussed it, he now offers me his card whenever I go, and sometimes I take it, sometimes I don’t. It’s been working thus far.
6. Going out without each other
If you’re in a healthy relationship, you’re most likely comfortable with the idea of your SO hanging out with people without you. We were used to this until we moved in together. It is a much different story when your loved one is going out the door to have a good time and you’re not invited (because it’s boy’s/girl’s night, or they just need some time with their friends).
Solution: Just get over it. You will most likely have major FOMO, and hopefully you’re not jealous (because you are the one they’re coming home to). Try to balance your sadness at being left in with going out with your own friends often as well. Hopefully, once you’re over your FOMO, you will be happy to have the house to yourself to dance in your underwear or eat ice cream out the tub without anyone around to judge.
7. Privacy
When it’s rainy out, you have no money to go anywhere, and you invite a friend over, it can be hard to have “girl time” when your SO is sitting right across the room. It’s rude to ignore him but also awkward to include him in your conversation about the sexual issues your BFF is having with their SO, who is also a good friend of your SO.
Solution: Just get out of the house more or save private talks for more private times. Often if girls come over and we have no idea what to do with our time, we’ll hang out for a bit, including my SO in our talks but then go for a walk so we can have some privacy.
8. Personal habits
This may not be an issue for everyone, but when my sweaty housemate gets home from the gym and wants to lay on our new, suede couch, I would get upset. There are other issues that can come up as well, such as where one does their personal grooming, but I don’t want to talk about anything that’s TMI.
Solution: Considerate communication is key. Are you sensing a theme here yet? Politely saying what you dislike about the other person’s actions is your best bet at them stopping. However, some people just do what they do and if you love them, you have to get used to it (like drooling while they sleep).
9. Silence and noise
I grew up in a quiet household with a small family, he grew up in a noisy house with a million siblings. I like silence and he likes noise. A noisy household results in my elevating stress levels due to being unable to relax.
Solution: Earplugs are great. I learned that with my past roommate but it’s also appropriate to dip to a quiet coffee shop or park occasionally to relax with a book while your SO watches noisy cop shows. And like before, you can always just politely ask them to turn it down for a bit.
10. Sharing the closet
It’s not my fault that I have more shoes or that he can’t get rid of his soccer jerseys from high school. Despite making a clear “your space, my space” line in the closet, I constantly found his stuff overflowing onto my side.
Solution: Both of you need to clean out your wardrobes. I know it may seem impossible to get rid of any of your precious clothes, but you need to face reality. If you love this person, they’re more important than the old clothes that are too small for you (accept it, you haven’t been that skinny since 2009). Try to make sure each person has an equal amount of space. Sharing is caring!
The key to any relationship is communication, which everyone has heard before. But I think it’s important to clarify that communication is not angrily explaining why you’re pissed off but being able to maturely discuss what is irking you in your relationship. You love this person. Try to remember that when you’re addressing their mess in the kitchen.