I’m in a relationship (almost 2 years) with a guy that I love, but I’m not in love with him. Can I hang on to the hope that maybe one day I’ll wake up and be head over heels, or will I just have to suck it up and break things off? I don’t want to hurt him because I really do love him.
Let me be frank (something I rarely am, right?). Do you actually love him?
Is your feeling manifested in everything you do for him? At what point do you actually love him when you say those 3 words to him?
If you are uncomfortable with any of those questions, with all due respect (to whomever you are), I believe there is something very crucial you are missing in your relationship. The answer lies truly in the meaning of love.
It seems that you view it as a feeling. You appear to believe that love and being in love are two separate, unrelated ideas or concepts. I would argue that, for a committed relationship, the two are very connected. Being in love is the strong desire TO love someone and to love is to understand the complete self-emptying of yourself into that person. Giving with no expectations of getting back. Serving them because you know them, understand them and desire their happiness. If they exhibit the same action, you have the workings not for another stupid MTV sitcom or One Direction song which inflates really naive and impractical theories of being with someone, but true, real love.
Think of a mother or father’s love. My mom loved me very well as a child. She took care of me, fed me, hugged me and comforted me. As a mother to a small child, should she expect anything in return from me?
The same thing applies for our relationships.
Let me break a cultural idea for you, our emotions and feelings. Our feelings change within relationships and its dynamic, and to continue a relationship based on sensations and passions is very dangerous. To love is not to feel but to act. How are we supposed to act when that person is treating us bad? Love them. How are we supposed to respond when their weaknesses are very apparent to us? Love them. What do we do when they mess up? Love them. Observe C.S. Lewis’s take on love, “Love is unselfishly choosing for another’s highest good.” Do you think that sounds tough? Just wait until you are married.
Of course, you may say that to act is almost forceful and dissatisfying in a way. To reassure you, I must say that the feeling and the joy for loving that person will come. If it never does, it might be very prudent to reconsider the option of continuing what you have with your significant other. AND (here’s the kicker) you will love them in your break-ups. Crazy, I know, but bear with me.
Is it fair to continue fake feelings for a person that is truly dedicated? Not at all. Let them go and relieve them of their struggle. It will hurt, yes, but to assume that there is no possibility of hurt going into a relationship is foolish. People get hurt in relationships, but sometimes it is for the better (No pain, no gain).
As for that “head over heels” myth, understand that there is no knight in shining armor and he won’t change into everything that you ever wanted. Yes, there may be a lot of things that you like about him, but there will always be things that you don’t like about him. I don’t argue for lower expectations, but more realistic ideas of how other people are, especially guys. He will be him, so can you love him for that?
So, ladies, here’s the summary: Stop waiting for a feeling and love everything about him (even the bad parts). Find someone that loves you all the time and, boom, relationship. If any of these ideas don’t work, do not be scared of the idea of this dashed expectation and avoid the issue in order to wait for things to change, but just keeping looking.
Sincerely,
Your Real Live College Guy
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