I can honestly remember the first time I willingly went to church… because it was just last year. If you had seen me sitting at a pew any time before that, you probably would’ve noticed the doodles that covered the prayer cards in front of me, or the pile of wax shavings growing larger with every moment as I whittled away during the candlelight vigil. I would swing my feet back and forth below me, counting down the minutes until we were out of that dusty old church and on our way home.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I actually bought my first Bible. I got it online and was so excited to open it once it arrived in the mail, but once it reached my doorstep, I was filled with trepidation. I left the Good Book sitting on my bedside table, collecting dust. I couldn’t bring myself to open it— and I sincerely did not know why.
Sure, if you had asked me if I was a Christian back then, my answer would be a sheepish, “Uh, yeah, definitely.” But how could I take no part in this faith, yet claim to be a Christian? The answer is something I struggled with for a long time.
To be honest, before my recent hunger for the Lord, I had basically renounced God. After a series of seemingly catastrophic events, my faith shattered before me. I felt hopeless and helpless and at the time when I needed my faith the most, I let it slip away. Whenever something bad happened to me, my immediate thought was, How could God do this to me? How can there even be a God if He’s putting me through all of these trials?
But then something wonderful happened.
All of a sudden, all of the things that were collapsing in my life seemed to start falling into place again. But this time it was different. This time my entire world seemed to flip upside down, only for me to realize that it was now right-side-up. It seemed like the stars had finally aligned in my favor, and as much as I tried to blame it on ‘luck,’ I knew there was no way I was this lucky.
I realized there was a force greater than I could ever imagine that was pushing me toward the light, when I had seemed to be fixated on the dark. I am beginning to understand that even though I was not worthy, and I am still not worthy, God still believes in me, so I need to believe in Him.
I began attending church and Bible study. I would flip back and forth in my Bible trying to find the specific passage being discussed, while everyone else seemed to know exactly where to look. I would join in with laughter when someone made a biblical-referenced joke that I had never heard of. I would attempt to sing along to the songs, even when I had never heard them before. I would feel like such a Biblical beginner all the time, but I wasn’t embarrassed like I thought I would be. Instead of being met with judgement for not knowing my Romans from my Ephesians, I was met with help, I was met with acceptance, I was met with replies of, “Do you need help? Don’t worry, we all start somewhere!”
I know some of the worst days of my life still haven’t arrived, and I know some of the best days of my life haven’t either, but only now do I understand that God has a plan and no matter what ups and downs I go through in life, I will still have faith, I will still have my Savior, I will still have God.
Thumbnail and Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash.