What happens to your sex toys when you die?
As a sex educator, sex store worker and overall sex enthusiast, I am here to report that I have no idea. I had never thought about it. Like yeah, I’m a sexually liberated young woman, blah blah blah, but I still don’t want my mom finding and dealing with my hot pink box of treasures if I get hit by a bus.
I had no plan set for this, and I bet you didn’t either. Who runs to your bedside drawer when they hear the news? What do they do with the precious cargo? I needed answers!
So, I have taken every ounce of reporting knowledge that the UF J-School has given me, and I have interviewed the most qualified individuals on the subject: chaotic college girls. I asked each of them the question we have been pondering. Though the identities are fake, the ideas are all real and in order of least to most insane. Are they helpful? That is for you to decide:
- “I want them thrown away” – Sophia
- “Bury or cremate them with me. That evidence is being wiped from the collective memory” – Jackie
- “Donate them to the singles” – Amara
- “I would put them up for auction and all proceeds would go to a charity of the winner’s choice” – Elain
- “I want mine buried in like a time capsule kind of thing” – Rebecca
- “Burn them and sprinkle their ashes in the sea” – Rachel
- “I want to give them to my dogs as chew toys” – Alice
- “Encase them in resin and put them inside a disco ball. I want it to spin around at a club” – Nadia
- “I would donate them to middle school sex ed classes and programs. Get those girls’ standards high EARLY” – Emily
- “I’ll foresee my death and hide mine deep in a booby trapped cave” – Amelia
- “Seafood boil” – Amy
- “I want them in (my) museum, but in confinement where no one can touch them” – Ally
- “I want them to be glued into a mini sculpture of my likeness” – Clara
- “I am going to bury them and create lore about a family treasure and leave a map for my family to think they are getting a large sum of money and send them on a wild goose chase to find them. Kinda like ‘Outer Banks’.” – Annabeth
- “Bury me in a tomb surrounded by them like an Egyptian princess for the afterlife” -Mallory
So ladies, we may in fact have more options than we ever imagined. I see a future where aliens excavate our lands and discover some of our historic and sexy burial rituals. Whether you want your toys front and center on display at a museum or you’d rather the good vibes die with you, make those postmortem plans queen!