My favorite movies growing up were rom-coms. They painted the world within the frame of rose-colored glasses, full of grand gestures and men who laid down everything for the women they cared about. The books I always found comfort in were those that either had a romantic plot or at least a significant romantic subplot.
Romance and true love were the forces that propelled the world forward, and I found myself hoping for that connection more than anything. But being a hopeless romantic in a world of hookup culture truly sets you up for continuous disappointment.
Repeatedly, I’d put blind faith into a connection, hoping that the person on the other end appreciated me for more than something fleeting, that what we had was meaningful and deep. I secretly longed for that grand gesture I’d seen so many times in my favorite movies.
But alas, there was no Patrick Verona serenading me with “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” from the bleachers (“10 Things I Hate About You”), nor was there a Benjamin Barry chasing me though New York City traffic to profess his love (“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”). Rather, there was an occasional “wyd” text at 2 a.m. After a while, it’s what you grow accustomed to. You take what you can get, no matter how insignificant.
Grand gestures seem fantastical, like they could only ever exist in the movies. It wasn’t until after I told my hairdresser about a particularly awful encounter with a guy that he told me I really needed to watch this movie. So, I finally sat down and decided to watch “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
The movie itself follows the intertwining romantic lives of nine different characters, with the relationships of each ending in vastly different ways. Although it is technically a romantic comedy with a “happy” ending for some, the overarching message of the movie is that if a guy is into you, he’ll make that overly clear.
The main storyline of the movie focuses on Gigi, a hopeless romantic who constantly misreads signals from guys, and is either ghosted or left disappointed that they don’t like her as much as she likes them. I automatically felt a kinship with her (though she came across as a tad annoying at first), and I found myself relating to her struggle.
She befriends a bar owner, Alex, who helps her read signals from men, and teaches Gigi that men will be clear if they’re into her. We go through this entire journey of Gigi finally learning her self-worth, and not to read into little things or get tripped up on deciphering “maybe” signals.
At the end of the day, she finds love by learning to stand up, respect herself and wait for a guy who makes it clear that they are in love with her. One of the mottos repeated throughout the movie is “you’re the rule, not the exception.” This hit home, perhaps a bit more painfully than I would’ve liked.
We all hope that we’re going to be the one to break the pattern, the person that the guy who constantly sleeps around is going to finally settle down and date. But you’re the rule, not the exception – you can’t expect to be that one in a million case because it’s simply not logical.
I know, it’s not fun to hear. We all want to be that special one that defies all odds, but that simply isn’t realistic, and just sets us up to be disappointed. Avoiding this way of thinking saves time spent obsessing and lots of tears in the end.
In addition, learning to not put stock into a guy unless he makes it more than obvious that he is interested in you has done wonders for me. I certainly used to be a victim of obsessing over snap scores, freaking out when I was left on delivered for more than a few hours or when someone would post on their story and not respond.
It sucks, and I used to get so incredibly upset, as would so many of my friends. But watching this movie reshaped my way of looking at this. If a person isn’t responding, if you feel at all like they don’t value you or appreciate you, move on in search of better.
I know, “but I really liked this one!” Trust me, I get it. But you need to realize that you deserve a person who is going to make sure you know without a doubt that they are borderline obsessed with you. Everyone deserves that person of their rom-com dreams, and I promise they are out there, somewhere (if it seems like they must be halfway across the world, trust me, I get it – but I promise you, they’re out there.)
If that means waiting a bit longer and avoiding that disappointment of noncommittal men you liked way more than they liked you, then so be it. By reframing my perspective and expectations, I’ve been able to manage my standards and refrain from getting upset simply because I no longer accept being treated like an option – because none of us are options. We all deserve the world and more, and there is someone out there that is just waiting to give it to you.
I never would’ve thought that it would be a relatively mediocre 2009 rom-com that made me stand up and demand better from men in relationships, but that’s just what “He’s Just Not That Into You” did for me.
I think every girl could benefit from watching this movie, even if only a small bit of wisdom is imparted. I can confidently say it’s saved me many tears since, and that I can approach situationships and men who simply disappoint me with a clearer, more level-headed perspective that allows me to stay sane and manage my expectations to avoid the disappointment I was so used to feeling beforehand.
May you be the exception, not the rule – but until then, don’t read into little signs.
Don’t spend hours pouring over text messages searching for hidden meaning between the lines. Don’t mistake a 2 a.m. text for real feeling. Don’t try and change for someone because they simply won’t change for you. That person will come along one day and flip your world upside down, and you won’t have to question it for even a second. There will be no doubt because when it’s real, they won’t let you second-guess it for even a second.
But until then, he’s just not that into you.