What is sex?
Think about it. How do you define sex?
Cambridge Dictionary used to say that sex is “the activity of sexual intercourse.” Intercourse means penis in vagina.
But is that truly all that sex is? If you said yes, I suggest you speak with a lesbian. Because sex involves many many things, but the fact that we define it as just one of them is telling.
The study of sociolinguistics is the study of language in relation to society (i.e., how it affects us and how we affect it). By better understanding these language nuances, we can work to better our relationships with sex.
The limited definition of sex stated above is very revealing about our societal values. It is a heteronormative and male-centric definition and I know we can do better.
Not only does this common definition exclude many queer experiences of sex, but it devalues heterosexual female pleasure. How does it do this? By referring to sex as only intercourse, you linguistically erase the kind of stimulation that most reliably gets women to orgasm. That being clitoral stimulation.
Over 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm and cannot orgasm simply from intercourse. Still, we often refer to anything revolving the clitoris as foreplay. Foreplay: implying that it’s just a lead-up to the main event. But for women, clitoral stimulation is the main event. By calling the thing that brings women pleasure foreplay, we imply that it is secondary and less necessary than male pleasure.
Not getting it yet? Sex therapist and UF professor Dr. Laurie Mintz once said, “If the roles were reversed, we would call foreplay sex and intercourse post-play.” In the same way that we shouldn’t refer to male pleasure as an afterthought, it’s not cool to do it to women.
What about the word vagina. Have you ever heard the female genitalia referred to as the vagina? I’ll let you pull up the diagram on your own, but it’s analogous to calling your face your throat. By calling female genitalia the vagina, you refer to it only as the organ that is useful to male pleasure and are disregarding the clitoris and other important and pleasurable organs. This reinforces sex as being from the male perspective.
Speaking of that, consider the word penetration. Our society’s choice of the term penetration instead of a term like envelopment says that we think that sex is something that a man does to a woman. Not the other way around.
We oftentimes don’t think of these little ways that our language reflects our culture, and I get it. We are all guilty of it: man, woman gay or straight. I know better and I still say some of the things I’m ragging on. But pointing out the language that reflects disparity and correcting it can help us create a more equitable society.
I encourage you to be mindful of your language and your mindset. Maybe you use the word foreplay, but you place it equally to intercourse on your priority list. Or maybe just swap it out for a new term like sex play. Familiarize yourself with the female genitalia a bit. And think of sex as a more all-encompassing word!