Ever since I was in high school, people have been very worried about my kids – kids that I don’t have. It started around the time I looked into colleges to attend after high school.
“What are you going to study?” people always asked me.
When I responded with, “I’m not sure yet,” almost every time the same people told me, “Just make sure it’s something you can have a family with.”
Why? Why did it matter so much that the job that I chose needed to be one I could support kids with? Why is it anyone’s business in the first place?
The double standard between women and men when going into college or the workforce is something that has been talked about for a while now, but it’s still something that bothers me.
My future career is for me and me only. I don’t want to have to worry right now about children that I may or may not have in the future. That’s not in my plan, and that shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern.
I asked some of my guy friends if they had ever experienced this, and some of them actually laughed.
When have you ever heard someone say to a man, “Make sure that you plan for your future family when you’re picking out your career”? Almost never. Because of the way that society is structured, women are still expected to be child-bearers. Even though we’ve come so far from even the 70s, at the end of the day, that traditional role is still what we’re expected to take.
Don’t even get me started on the responses that I get when I tell people that I don’t want kids.
“But why?” people ask. “You’ll feel differently when you’re older. What if your husband wants kids?”
The choice to not have kids is something that’s personal for a lot of women, and they shouldn’t feel ashamed when they tell others that it’s not in their future. I shouldn’t have to explain to you my decision — you should just accept it and move on.
And yes, maybe I will change my mind in the future. I’m only 20 years old, and I’ve changed my major three times since coming to UF. I’m a very indecisive person. But right now, and for the past few years, this is how I’ve felt. There’s no need to pressure me into something that I don’t want to do just because it fits society’s standards of what a woman’s responsibilities are.
What’s even more ridiculous than forcing me into a parental box is making assumptions about a future partner. I’m pretty sure that before I get married (once again, if I do), I will have had many conversations with my future husband about whether we want children. Plus, he won’t get to make decisions about my body anyways.
There are so many options now for the modern woman that it seems unreasonable to expect them to dictate her future career over something that may or may not happen in the future.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, in 2020, 71.2% of all women with children under the age of 18 were either working or looking to work. Compare this to 1980, when the percentage was just under 50%.
Also, there is now an increasing trend of paternity leave along with maternity leave. This could mean that a woman could get back to work sooner and leave the childcare to her partner. I mean, it should be expected of partners to put an equal amount of time in when raising a child. Why is the woman expected to do everything while the man goes to work? The modern, “non-traditional” family allows for the breaking of gender roles set by previous generations, and it should be celebrated.
Women should be allowed to go into careers that they find fulfilling without judgment, not ones that are compatible with what society expects from them. If a woman wants to do something that requires her to frequently travel away from home, so be it. If she wants to dedicate a lot of hours towards her career, why not? A woman working hard outside of the home and prioritizing maintaining and building a career over having a family doesn’t mean she is a bad person. Women can work and be mothers, and it’s being seen now more than ever. They can also work and not be mothers, or not work and be mothers. At the end of the day, all that matters is what makes them happy with the life they are living, kids or no kids.
So, now when I am told to make sure that my future career fits my ability to have children, I push back a little bit, rather than just giving an awkward “yeah” or an uncomfortable laugh.
Because, wow, it seems like these people are way more invested in my non-existent children’s lives than I am.