We all have it. You know, that little monster inside of us that we try to hide from the rest of the world. We do whatever we can to cover it up, but sometimes there just isn’t enough concealer in the world to get the job done.
It’s okay— we’re human.
It’s only natural for our inner b*tch to come out when we least expect it, but it’s our responsibility to keep it under control. So, what does it really mean to have an inner b*tch? Well, there isn’t a clear definition of what a b*tch really is, so how could you really tame it?
Our inner b*tch is an endless list of things we struggle with. It’s more of an “IT.” You can’t really see it, but you know when it has graced people with its presence.
IT is there when our best friend gets the internship we wanted, or when the hot guy we’ve had our eye on for the whole semester falls for her instead of you. IT shows up when we call ourselves names and/or doubt our potential. IT comes in all shapes, sizes, and degrees. Each IT is different.
Are you having trouble with your IT? If you are, I hope this helps. This week, I’ve highlighted three that try to take over our lives. If you’re at war with an IT, here are a few ways to make peace:
IT: JEALOUSY
n. Mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry/unfaithfulness
How to tame IT:
- Avoid comparing yourself to others: Everyone is designed differently. Some people are naturally more talented in certain areas than others. Maybe you can’t get Crane pose the first time you go to Yoga but your roommate can. So what? That doesn’t mean it makes you any worse of a person and that definitely doesn’t mean you should be jealous of her for it. Think about all the other great things you’re good at and remember that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. You will be much better off if you focus your time and energy on yourself for improvement instead of focusing on others.
- Give people the benefit of doubt: If you want to win the Psycho Girlfriend Award, go ahead and skip this section. For the rest of you… learn to be trusting. Maybe your beau is watching the game with the guys and has his phone on silent. Just because he doesn’t answer right away does not mean he’s flirting with another girl. This advice goes beyond relationships with your partner. Remember: not everyone in the world is out there to hurt you, break your heart, or stab you in the back. Learn to listen to your feelings, but don’t blow things up out of proportion. Ask yourself: Has this person ever given me reason not to trust him/her? If the answer is “No,” please relax and try to be more positive. You never know what the circumstances are. If the answer is “Yes,” think of why this person brings out the jealous IT from within you. If this specific person brings out that side of you often, it may be time to kick ‘em to the curb!
- Build your self-confidence: If insecurity and low self-worth had a baby it would be called Jealousy. We all have fears of rejection or losing something we’ve dedicated a lot of time or emotion to. What happens when someone says ‘no’ to you but ‘yes’ to the person next to you? Or when the guy you’ve been talking to for the past month tells you he’s into someone else? For most of us, a natural reaction would be to let IT out and feel upset or build strong negative feelings for the other person that took whatever we had away from us. The solution to this isn’t easy. It takes time, but if you remind yourself that you truly are a gem, you’ll be able to tell IT to go back to where it came from.
Tip: Create your own mantra and repeat it to yourself everyday until you believe it. It could be as simple as: “I am a beautiful, independent, intelligent woman.” When you tell yourself a hundred times, you will believe it and forget about IT trying to take control over your reactions. You are good enough; the worst that can happen is you learn from experience. Don’t let jealousy be what stops you from becoming a better you.
IT: SELF-CONTROL
n. The ability to control one’s emotions, behavior, and desires
How to tame IT:
- Exercise: Just when you tell yourself you can’t keep pushing, keep going because YOU CAN! Exercise will keep your body soothed and keep you in control of your impulses. You’re in control of your body. Remember, it’s in your head. Make an effort to exercise more often, and if you set a goal of running for ten minutes, add two more minutes to that run and be in control to carry through with it.
- Prove yourself wrong: You think you can’t control yourself from eating that last slice of chocolate cake? WRONG! You can do it. You owe it to yourself to show that you can. This goes for anything else in life. Practice self-control the next time you’re challenged with something that you’ve usually succumbed to. The feeling of accomplishment will be bigger than you realize.
- Wait: You told yourself you wouldn’t text him back. The moment you are tempted to pick up that phone to message him just STOP! Take a breath; count to a hundred if you have to. Don’t act on impulse. Give yourself time for IT to go back to the cave, and let the strong and in-control you shine through. Giving yourself time will help you come to your senses and realize reaching out to him might be a bad idea.
IT: NEGATIVE TALK
n. The act of putting oneself down with extreme criticism
How to silence your worst critic, IT:
- Think in third person: A little self-criticism never hurt anyone. Most people critique to get better or to grow. But there is a major difference between critiquing ourselves and talking ourselves down to the point where we underestimate our worth. You didn’t get a question on a test you studied a long time for — wow, you’re dumb… NOT! Just because you missed a question on your exam doesn’t give you the right to call yourself dumb. If you were an outsider looking in, what would you tell yourself? Would you tell your friend she’s dumb or encourage her to try better next time? If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, that’s a pretty clear indication of whether or not you should say it to yourself.
- Surround yourself with positive people: You want to be surrounded by people who are encouraging, people who want to see you grow, and people who love you and are going to give you words of encouragement when times get rough. I’m not saying to block out criticism altogether, but you should learn to differentiate between constructive criticism and negative self-talk.
- Erase ‘Perfect’ from your vocabulary: This is an enormous tip that will save you lots of time, tears, and tribulations. There’s no such thing as being perfect. The IT inside of you is trying to make you think that such a thing exists, but have you ever heard of anyone being happy or successful because of perfection? Having ridiculously high standards are only going to lead to self-destruction. As long as you try to the best of your ability, that’s what is most important.
Let this all sink in. It’s not about perfection; it’s about progression. When your inner b*tch tries to manipulate your thoughts and actions this week, just remember you’re the only one in charge of IT, collegiettes.