A Gainesville Tour-De-Bar

Although most of the bars in Gainesville are open and crowded on an average weekend night (and let’s be honest, most weeknights), some students have opted to continue to not engage in such high exposure activities, like bar hopping at Mid. I am among this group, and I miss it. Each bar is a little different despite them all being frequent stops on a night out and them all having terrible bathrooms and a floor covered in alcohol and “frat” sludge. So, in honor of missing the GNV bar scene, here is a look at the type of person that frequents these treasured local establishments of debauchery.

Keep in mind these are intended to be funny and not to target a particular person, although you might find them resembling yourself or others. I mention underage drinking and acknowledge that there are underage drinkers at certain bars, but I in no way encourage underage drinking. Wait until you're 21, OK? This is the average clientele of some of Gainesville’s most happenin’ bars.

  1. 1. “Dog”: The Salty Dog Saloon

    If “Dog” is your go-to bar you’re a frat guy and you go there for the 4-7 p.m. happy hour on Fridays, then continue to go hard at Midtown the rest of the night. Or you end your night out here because it’s by far the chilliest bar at Mid. You go there for the cheap beer pitchers and wings and eat them despite the rats that are still there. The country music is always bumpin’ and “Take me home, country roads” is your favorite song.

  2. 2. “Rowdies”: The Rowdy Reptile

    You’re at least a junior or a senior because you know they can spot a fake ID better than most Midtown bars. You enjoy watching the freshman get rejected from Fat’s downstairs while waiting in line for Rowdies upstairs. You like to people watch and talk rather than dance and enjoy the chiller atmosphere. You spend your Saturday nights here after drinking mimosas all day at OAK. This is your first stop in the tour-de-bar before eventually just ending up at Dog after. If you’re an older student, you go to make yourself feel like you’re a party person before realizing you’re too old for this and you just end up at Dog anyway.

  3. 3. JJ’s Tavern

    You’re either a freshman that just got their fake ID, a newly single upperclassman that is trying to hit on younger girls or an upperclassman who is trying to relive your glory days before eventually realizing Rowdies is your home. You only drink Rum Buckets and love a good cheap drink (not going to lie, this is where I first came when I turned 21). You puke rainbow colors at the end of the night, depending on what Rum-Bucket is in season.

  4. 4. Grog

    You just got to UF, it’s your freshman fall, and you don’t have your fake ID yet. You are most likely going there for a fraternity crush party, but you don’t actually want to go there. You just go because you don’t want to get kicked out of the 21 and up bars. If you are an upperclassman and Grog is your go-to place, you enjoy hooking up with ACRs (Alachua Country Residence).

  5. 5. Fat’s: Fat Daddy’s

    You decided to upgrade from JJ’s to Fat’s with your new fake ID. You are definitely underage, or you just turned 21 and you just started drinking. You could be going here because one of the tasks on the sign-night sign said to take a blowjob shot or dance on the bar. If you are 21 and up and Fat’s is still your favorite bar, then you enjoy drinking and cannot stand not being touched by another person while they dance, or you just really enjoy dancing on elevated surfaces. Slushies are your alcoholic drink of choice; I mean if you’re at Fat’s you have to have one. You still puke rainbow colors, but not quite the rainbow you get when you go to JJ’s.

  6. 6. D.T.F.: Downtown Fat’s

    You got there because you like to say D.T.F and hope that people mean down to f*ck. You thought the line would be shorter here than at regular Fats, but you were sadly mistaken. If you’re a guy, you’re definitely on the football team. You go there because you miss Rocky’s Piano Bar and whished that D.T.F kept the aesthetic (R.I.P. Rocky’s). If you’re underage, you thought your fake ID would be accepted here rather than at Mid. You come here if you’re bar hopping downtown and think that drinking here makes you seem older, but in reality, you’re still an underclassman.

  7. 7. White Buffalo:

    You come here for the same reason you go to Downtown Fat’s, or you love Techno-Tuesday and are super into themed nights. You’re popping into this bar to go to the bathroom because you know they have the cleanest and biggest bathrooms out of all the bars downtown or at Mid. The all-around bench seating is great for those girls (like me) that thoroughly enjoy dancing on elevated surfaces.

  8. 8. Bricks:

    You are definitely a freshman, or you’re of the well-endowed women that work there and do promotional events. If you want the traditional “college clubbing” experience, you go here. If you’re a guy coming here and you’re older than 21, you come here to pick up younger girls because you can’t get older girls. You try to hype this up as THE place to be, but it’s really just a freshman bar.

  9. 9. Tattu:

    You’re under 21, but you know you can go here to get drinks because it’s table service and you think you can get your friends to get you drinks. You come here to get blacked out on Sake bombs, or you come here for the sushi which, P.S. is actually really good. You may start your night here with Sake bombing, but if you end your night here you are ending your night in a puking mess. You may be booting, but you’re defiantly not rallying.

  10. 10. Social:

    You go here if you hate your under 21 friends because they are super strict with their id policy. You could be coming here for the $5 mac & cheese and chicken tenders, which is the best deal at Mid, or you are going here for All-You-Can-Drink Thursdays. You might be able to get in if you are super motivated to get there early and get pre-banded. If you’re lucky, you could get in. But more likely you will still be in line for Sunday church.

I didn’t mean to put anyone on blast, but these are the type of people I usually see at GNV bars. Hopefully reading this conjured up happy memories of drinking with friends and great nights (or maybe some not-so-great nights) pre-COVID-19. Let’s hope we can get back to it soon. A special thanks to my most amazing roommate and best friend for helping with this article, as she is older and wiser and has been to more bars than me.