Let me start out by saying that I am a hardcore Directioner, and I feel no shame about this. People often ask me how I felt when Zayn Malik left One Direction. The truth is, Zayn was always probably my least favorite member, so I was sad for about a day. I grieved for a minute by listening to his high note in You & I about 40 times in a row. After that, I pretty much skipped right to acceptance. But when I heard about his new album coming out and listened to his first single, “PILLOWTALK,” I was intrigued. I couldn’t help but jam to it, despite my desire to hate it. I was left curious about how I would feel about the rest of his album. Here is a random collection of the inner thoughts of a Directioner listening to Mind of Mine for the first time.
1. Harry, Niall, Louis and Liam, I hope you can forgive me for the musical experience I’m about to embark on.
2. Why are all the words in weird capitalizations?
3. Interesting intro. I can dig this.
4. “PILLOWTALK.” Off to a good start. *Interpretive dances around my room in approval*
5. Zayn you are my enemy, my ally.
6. Okay, I see we’re slowing things down here with “iT’s YoU.”
7. Questioning again why he capitalizes some letters. Is this like Taylor Swift’s secret messages?
8. I’m bored. This song is boring.
9. “BeFoUr.” I wonder if this is a nod to One Direction’s fourth studio album, so creatively named “FOUR?”
10. I feel like the children of Kidz Bop could have written this song.
11. Still, my foot seems to be tapping along.
12. There he goes with those high notes I know and love. Way to stick to your strengths, Zayn.
13. I didn’t even realize the song changed. I’m now listening to “sHe,” apparently.
14. I wonder if Gigi Hadid is sHe.
15. Not impressed. Next.
16. “dRuNk.” I don’t really have much to say about this one. I think all these songs sound the same.
17. We get an “INTERMISSION” in this album? How swanky.
18. Well that was a nice little interlude.
19. “rEaR vIeW.” Wishing this album was in my rear view, am I right?
20. Okay that was harsh. I actually like this one so far. It’s just behind “PILLOWTALK” for me.
21. This experience seems to be moving uphill. I could jam to “wRoNg.”
22. I also enjoy “fOoL fOr YoU.” Really showcases his vocal abilities.
23. There are so many songs left.
24. “BordErSz and tRuTh” seemed to drag on. I once again assert that these songs all sound the same.
25. “lUcOzAdE”… I’ve hit the peak of my anger about the weird uppercase letters.
26. My anger has carried over into this song. Next.
27. I had to skip “TiO.” I’m becoming numb to this “music.”
28. Took a brief nap during “BLUE.” I’m back.
29. I’d go so far as to say “BRIGHT” is my least favorite so far. He’s also gotten lazy with the uppercase and lowercase variations. It’s nearing the end, and I’m excited about that.
30. I really have no new thoughts about the final tracks, “LIKE I WOULD,” and “SHE DON’T LOVE ME.” Color me unimpressed.
Final thoughts: It was a valiant effort, Zayn. I thought you had a real chance with “PILLOWTALK,” but I don’t think you’ll be giving the boys of One Direction a run for their money anytime soon. But life can’t be too bad when you have Gigi Hadid’s shoulder to cry on. Better luck next time!