Ever wondered why it is that some people are clingy when in a relationship, whereas others can be distant and emotionally unavailable? If we take a look at attachment theory, this is because each person has a different attachment style. But what are attachment styles, you may ask? Well, someone’s attachment style is their specific way of relating to others in relationship. It is formed at the beginning of our lives, and once established, this style stays with us and unfolds in how we relate to others in intimate relationships, as well as how we parent our children. They are expectations we develop about relationships with other people. This is based on the relationships we have with our primary caregivers as infants, and also includes the way in which we respond emotionally to others, along with our interactions and behaviours with them. Attachment theory was first developed by psychologist, Mary Ainsworth, and psychiatrist, John Bowlby, in the 1950s.
For further clarification, attachment is a unique emotional relationship that includes the exchange of pleasure, care, and comfort. According to John Bowlby, attachment is a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings”. He believed that attachment possessed an evolutionary aspect in that it assists in survival- “the propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals [is] a basic component of human nature.” The distinguishing characteristics of attachment are:
- Proximity maintenance, which is the desire to be nearby those that we are attached to.
- Safe haven: when facing fears or possible danger, it is when we return to the attachment figure in order to receive comfort and safety.
- Secure base: The attachment figure serves as a security base so that the child can explore the environment surrounding them.
- Separation distress, which is when there is anxiety once the attachment figure is absent.
There are infant attachment styles, but we’ll be focusing on adult attachment styles, which seep into romantic attachment styles as well. The four main adult attachment styles are: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (disorganised). Only the former is not an insecure attachment form.
- Secure attachment style is when an individual can form secure and loving relationships with others. It implies that they can comfortably express their emotions in an open manner. They can trust others and be trusted. They can love and accept love, and also get close to others relatively easy. They tend to have positive self-image and a positive image of other people. This means they have a sense of worthiness and an expectation that others are usually accepting. A securely attached person is not afraid of intimacy and are not panicked when their partners need some space or time apart. They can depend on themselves and others, without become completely dependent. Their relationships are built on honesty, emotional closeness and tolerance. According to Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver’s research, around 56% of adults have a secure attachment style.
- Anxious attachment style is also known as anxious-preoccupied attachment which usually aligned with the anxious-ambivalent attachment style or anxious-resistant attachment style seen in children. It is a form of insecure attachment characterised a deep-seated fear of abandonment. People with this attachment style tend to feel very insecure when it comes to their relationships and often stress over whether their partner will leave them. They seek self-acceptance through trying to attain validation and approval from their significant others, which results in them longing for validation, which can be seen as clingy behaviour. An example is when their partner doesn’t reply quickly enough, and feeling like their partner does not care enough about them. They need higher levels of intimacy and contact from their relationships with other people. Approximately 19% of adults have this attachment style. Those with anxious-ambivalent attachment styles are found to be wary and reluctant when it comes to being close to others, can become very distressed when relationships end, and worry that their partner(s) do not love them. This often leads to frequent break-ups.
- Avoidant attachment style is marked by a fear of intimacy. It is also known as dismissive-avoidant attachment and usually aligns with the anxious-avoidant attachment style seen in children. Those with this attachment style typically struggle becoming close to others or trusting them in relationships. Relationships tend to make them feel suffocated or claustrophobic. They usually stay distant from their partners and are mostly emotionally unavailable. They would prefer to be independent to retain a sense of invulnerability, and are self-reliant. Adults who are dismissive-avoidant usually deny being distressed when it comes to relationships and minimise the importance of attachment. Avoidant lovers usually believe that romantic love doesn’t tend to last and that it is not easy for them to fall in love. They may have issues with intimacy and avoid it by using excuses, devote little emotion in romantic, as well as social, relationships, and are not willing or able to share their thoughts and sentiments with others. Research has shown that adults who have an avoidant attachment style tend to be more accepting and likely to have casual sex. According to Hazan and Shaver, approximately 25% of adults have this attachment type.
- Fearful-avoidant attachment style is also known as disorganised attachment style, and it is a blend of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Those with fearful-avoidant attachment style simultaneously long for affection and desire to completely avoid it. They are wary when it comes to developing a close romantic relationship yet also have an overwhelming craving to feel loved by others. There is research that suggests that a contributing factor to this attachment style could be inconsistent behaviour from parents, such as when the parent acts as both a figure of fear and reassurance. In adulthood, the partner and relationship are usually both the source of fear and desire. Avoidantly attached people usually display unstable as well as ambiguous behaviours in their social ties. They do desire intimacy but have issues with trusting and depending on other people. They struggle to regulate their emotions well and can try to avoid intense emotional attachment, which arises from the fear of being hurt. This attachment style has associations with substantial psychological and relational risks, like heightened sexual behaviour and an augmented risk for violence.
It’s important to know what your attachment style is, as it can have a significant impact on the way in which you form relationships with others. It can also help you determine patterns of behaviour in your relationships that you were previously confused by. Remember that someone may show different attachment styles in different relationships. If you recognise yourself in one of the three “insecure” attachment styles, try your best to address the issues and seek professional psychological assistance. If you are still unsure as to what attachment style you have, here are some links to quizzes that will help you determine yours.