Ever had a ‘token dude’ in your life?
Of course, trusty old Urban Dictionary defines ‘token dude’ as:
“The one dude, usually from high school or college, that every girl has and will always have a hard time getting over. Girls usually compare all other guys to their “token dude”
or
“A boy, often a toxic ex, who a girl knows is no good for her but will spend the rest of her days dreaming of, projecting unrequited feelings onto, and comparing new potential partners to him.”
Sound familiar?
I certainly know that I’ve been guilty of making ‘token dudes’ out of a guy or two, and if you think getting over someone is tough, I can assure you it becomes considerably more difficult when they’re a ‘token dude’. Your heart (and, uh, bottom bits) flutter at everything he does and the sound of angels play whenever you think of him, but let’s be honest: he has a permanent residency in your mind anyway. No matter what you do and no matter who comes into your life, something always reminds you of him. You convince yourself he’s just, IT!
Well, not IT, but ironically, you’ll be feeling like more of a clown than Pennywise himself after your cycle of futile attempts at winning ‘token dude’s’ heart. The worst part is that it can carry on for a very long time because you become okay with it: ‘token dude’ is “worth it” and you hang on to all the smallest victories.
I guess there are just some people who we feel more drawn to, more comfortable with and are more fit for us. ‘Token dudes’ always seem to tick every box of what we want on paper, and they give us enough to make us believe that they are the “right one” although never treat us the way we deserve. And yet, we hold on because we’re convinced that maybe someday they’ll come around. We’ve already decided that they’re the ones we truly want, and we ignore every logical explanation as to why they’re not. Sometimes we don’t even bother seeking affection elsewhere because we feel the attention of 100 suitors don’t compare to a crumb of attention from ‘token dude’.
Quite honestly, these thoughts are so toxic and damaging, and oftentimes we bring them upon ourselves. We meet this person who is seemingly perfect so we project our idealisms onto them, so much so that it blurs who they actually are. And perhaps our ‘token dudes’ are nice, good people and everything we’d hope for in a partner, but if they can’t reciprocate our feelings then it shouldn’t be something we cling to.
Here are some (necessary) ways to get over ‘token dude’:
- Limit communication
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I know it can be tough, but try to limit communication or cut him out completely. I know you’re waiting for that notification with his name on it, but honestly, you’re only prolonging your suffering.
- Put yourself out there
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It may feel like nobody compares right now, but you just haven’t met the person who has all the good things you like about ‘token dude’ AND actually reciprocates your feelings just yet. Plus, it will do you some good to not spend even more time fixated on the same person.
- Be happier for YOURSELF
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After any breakup, it’s normal to feel like you want to “win” by being happier and plastering it all over social media, but sometimes when we do it with ‘token dude’, it’s a way of showing him what he’s missing out on because he knows you’ll gladly have him back. STOP. Make your happiness about you and moving on, you’re not a product to be sold to anyone.
- Consider all the reasons he isn’t right for you
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‘Token dude’ is the one that’s right for you in every conceivable way, right? We tend to focus on all the good things when we like someone and ignore red flags, and like Wanda from BoJack Horseman says:
“When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags”
Take off those glasses, man.
- Ask yourself if that’s really how you want your “love story” to begin
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A good and simple thing that helped me get over my ‘token dude’ was asking myself whether I wanted the kind of love I had to constantly fight for; the kind of love I had to convince someone of rather than something that happened naturally.
(Side note: the answer was, and will always be, NO).
- Take some time
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I know this is possibly the most cliché piece of advice ever, but time genuinely helps put things into perspective. Plus, you’ll realise how much free time you have now that you’re not plotting your next big move to make ‘token dude’ fall in love with you, how refreshing.
Whatever you do, know that no matter how much you create a situation or build someone up in your head, it doesn’t make it real. And remember that no matter how perfect someone may seem, it doesn’t mean they are the right one for you.
KEEP IT MOVING, SIS.