My favourite pass time as of late has been watching a series on YouTube called “Middle Ground”. It’s featured on this channel called “Jubilee” and they basically have different people with wildly different opinions sit across from each other and well… try to find a middle ground. It features episodes that range from serious topics, such as pro-choice and pro-life, to more light-hearted discussions such as 9-year-olds and 90-year-olds discussing their views on life, love, and everything in between. There are also episodes that just make me chuckle, such as the discussion between scientists and flat earthers. It was so hilarious seeing this physicist with like 10 doctorates listening to some guy named Gary sit across from him and explain that maps aren’t real.
Anyways, the series made me rethink my own views on various topics. I would start a video by completely disagreeing with a certain group. Yet, by the end of it, though I still disagreed with them, I at least would be able to see where they’re coming from and from where that viewpoint stems. I started to apply this to my own life, and I found myself having a conversation with someone that embodied everything I stood against.
How it all began
I recently wrote and co-directed a short film called “ISOLATE” and it’s about a young man that idolizes a controversial Andrew Tate- like “influencer,” as well as the circumstances that have led to and stem from this idolization. It explores male mental health issues as well as the culture of toxic masculinity that is now becoming the norm. I held auditions for two male leads, and I really needed someone that could embody a character called “Logan”. Logan has the personality of basically every alpha-male podcast creator you could think of. He believes that “masculinity is dying” and it’s up to “real men” to preserve “true masculinity”— aka the patriarchy. I needed an actor that could really embody such a charismatic personality with sinister intent. Enter Joshua (although that’s not his real name). Joshua stood in front of me and gave a standard performance of the monologue he had prepared. Afterward, we asked him a few questions about what masculinity meant to him. I was not prepared for what he would say. Joshua went on to give a 15-minute rant about how “real men” don’t exist anymore and how he does not agree with “the gays”. I think I blocked a lot of the specifics out, but I clearly remember thinking that he was perfect for the role because he doesn’t even need to act. He IS Logan. I even jotted down some notes when he was speaking because I couldn’t have written a better male antagonist for the film even if I tried. This man was giving me some quality material. I took one look at my co-director, who is also a man, and we just knew that this is our guy. We thanked him for his audition and there I was, waiting to shake his hand, but all he did was give my co-director a lengthy “thank you” speech before he proceeded to just nod his head at me and walk away. I wondered if I wanted to work with someone that had these backward ideas about women and queer people. Someone who would rant about these things in front of complete strangers. I also knew that I had to put these thoughts aside because, from a professional standpoint, I could not have found a better antagonist.
the lightbulb moment
Joshua’s audition was successful, production started, and the stress of making our vision come true began. We all got an idea of each other’s characters, and everyone learned about Joshua. I was the only woman on set; everyone else was male, and I think Joshua thought that they would relate to what he was saying. No one really did. I would see Joshua sit by himself a lot, so I decided to talk to him. After all, he was taking time out of his day to shoot my film and I wanted him to feel comfortable on set. We got to talking about various topics but for the most part, I was just sitting there not saying a word while this man basically told me that gay people were “demonic” and that women need to be seen and not heard. Oddly, I did not feel like counter-arguing with him. He was so passionate about his beliefs, and I feel like there’s no point in arguing with people like that. Instead, I just listened, trying to figure out where all of this stemmed from. He ranted along before I was called elsewhere on the set. We continued to have these conversations occasionally, and eventually, he felt comfortable enough to answer the one question I’d been dying to ask him: Where did all this stem from? Joshua went on to tell me his entire life story. Now look, I’m not saying that anything that he told me justifies his views, but it sure did give me an answer as to where it stemmed from. I realized that this was an individual that has been hurt. He grew up with these expectations of what it means to be a man that he carried into his current life. It seemed like women would take advantage of him when he was “softer”, and he genuinely despises the younger version of himself that allowed himself to be a punching bag for others. I’m not a psychologist or anything, but I concluded that this whole alpha male, hyper-masculine persona was just a defense mechanism against getting hurt. I also noticed that during shooting days, he was a great person to work with. Despite my reservations, he listened to every instruction I gave him, constantly asking for feedback and taking criticism well. He was the first to show up on set and one of the last to leave. I mean, this man was a father, and he had an entire job, but he dedicated his time to this project. Never complained. In his personal life, he was also a great father. Judging from the way in which he spoke about his son and how he takes care of his child really moved me. Yes, I didn’t agree with some of his ideas, but had I completely written him off based on that, I wouldn’t have discovered the person he is.
so, what am I trying to say here?
I think we’re very quick to write anyone off with an opinion we even vaguely disagree with. And look, if that person harms your mental health in any way, then so be it. However, if they’re somewhat respectable and they just have an opinion that wildly clashes with yours, hear them out if you can. Try to find a middle ground or at least just gain an insight into someone else’s life. Hearing someone else’s opinion does not take anything away from your own beliefs. Am I or will I ever be friends with Joshua? No, because I can choose my company and I wouldn’t be friends with someone who holds those beliefs. Would I work with Joshua again? Absolutely, because despite our differences, he was a pleasure to work with. I got way more out of working with him than I would have if I had chosen not to because of his beliefs. I made a film I am proud of. I do want to stress, however, that if Joshua was dismissive and difficult to work with due to his beliefs, I would have considered finding a replacement. Even if it wasn’t a professional environment, I want to stress that you can choose your company. However, if a difference in opinion is all that’s at stake, maybe we should consider seeing the bigger picture, finding the nuance in each other, and just talk to each other like human beings. This film, as well as finding the nuance in toxic masculinity through Joshua, has made me more open to having difficult conversations and understanding the people around me before dismissing them.