Prior to my first year…
I remember the day I got admitted into UC San Diego like it was yesterday. I was jittery that entire day, knowing that decisions would come out that evening. I made it a point to keep myself distracted by hanging out with my friend. Around 4pm, we were sitting in her mint blue Mini Cooper in a Happy Lemon parking lot.
She picked up her phone, looked at me, and said, “Oh my god, UCSD decisions are out.”
I quickly grabbed my phone with sweaty hands and anxiously typed in my login to the portal. Small letters that I interpreted as huge bold letters screaming at me read,
“Open to view decision,” but it seemed more like “Open to see if your dream school is in your future.”
I opened the portal to pixelated confetti and a “congratulations,” that instantly made my heart stop and tears stream down my face in joy. I was so ecstatic. I screamed and probably scared the cars parked next to us, but I didn’t care.
UC San Diego was the only school I wanted to attend and the only school to which I applied. Though my chances were low with a 31% acceptance rate, I managed to tell the other 69% to stop trying to intimidate me.
After my acceptance, I counted down the days until I could be a proud Triton. After all, this was everything I had worked so hard for and I did it. I was beyond proud of myself and was on cloud nine.
But, I definitely glamorized college, and the reality checks I got while being here were humbling.
My First Year…
This year was far more than just adjusting to a university. This year involved many intense transitions and emotional struggles.
For starters, when I moved into college, I had a very toxic roommate who treated me very poorly. I ended up moving out of that apartment, which was difficult to do since my other apartment mates were, and still are, my best friends. When I moved out of that apartment, I was moved into another apartment where I had a single, but my apartment mates didn’t like the fact I wasn’t of their same religion, didn’t respect the fact I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and they openly said they didn’t agree with same-sex relationships–I’m bisexual.
In my classes, I was able to make friends, but I made the mistake of getting close to everyone I met. I was overly excited to meet new people from new places and new cultures and I got carried away. It’s fair to say that I had a few friendship heartbreaks early in the year.
Many scientists and researchers say it takes two months for people to show their true colors; boy, were they right.
On the bright side, I had my three best friends, my old roommates, and that was frankly all I needed. We experienced our first college party together, our first beach bonfire together, our first all-nighters together, our first college mental breakdowns together, and so many more first-time adventures. I truly believe these will be some of the girls I will have as my bridesmaids one day.
Right when I was starting to get adjusted to college, our winter quarter went online. It was horrible, and it triggered my social anxiety upon returning since I forgot what it’s like to be around so many people all at one time. My first day back after winter quarter felt like the first day of school all over again.
To say that my spring quarter was difficult is purely an understatement. I started to take more difficult classes with more stern professors and it drained me. I came close to failing two classes and I faced heavy imposter syndrome. Nothing I did felt good enough. I was unable to even celebrate small victories because I felt that I wasn’t deserving of them. I spent all quarter doing homework, working out at the gym, and getting my calories in. I simply couldn’t “let loose,” and it was horrible. It was nothing like how I pictured myself when I first got admitted.
While I struggle giving myself credit, I will say that I endured a lot this year and remained healthy. I’m still here, enrolled for another year at my dream school with my ideal major.
I’m still coming to terms with the fact that there are going to be times when I don’t understand material in a class, where I fail a test, where I feel like I’m the only one who has lost. But it’s crucial that I persevere because I know that this will all be worth it in the end.
No one said that the good stuff would be easy.