And just like that, it’s part 5 of my “…Period” series! If you haven’t yet read the other installments and would like to, visit my author page to check them out.
So, where did we leave off? My excitement to spend a whole day at Kaiser Permanente!!! The plan of action was to start off in imaging to get my ultrasound, go to my exam with my new gynecologist, and then get blood labs done.
The ultrasound was not even close to the realm of awkward. I did do the stereotypical over-the-belly one that you always see on TV. The gel was anything but cold; it was so warm it was bordering on hot. On TV they do a silly little gentle glide over the skin, but take note for when you have your own ultrasound done in the future: that technician is going to apply pressure. It’s a good thing that they don’t require a full bladder for that anymore, that’s just accidents waiting to happen.
That part was all fine and dandy, no issue. Then, she brought out the wand. Luckily, I had seen a TikTok just two weeks prior to my appointment that at most ultrasound appointments they do internal imaging. Still, my technician was great and I didn’t feel awkward at all; I barely even felt the wand until she measured my ovaries. Truthfully, the only awkward aspect was the fact that she couldn’t tell me how anything looked. I was told I would have to wait until the scans were sent to the gynecologist to know what was going on in there.
Even though I wasn’t supposed to expect the scans to be ready for a whole business day, it took all of an hour for them to appear on my portal (snazzy!) so I was able to see for myself that visually, from what the ultrasound could see, my uterus is completely healthy.
My exam corroborated this and then each blood lab report re-confirmed over and over that I am perfectly healthy. There were no signs of fibroids, no endometrial cysts, and no implication of thyroid dysfunction. So what now?
Well, nothing.
I had a feeling going into my exam that my gynecologist would find nothing wrong because my ultrasound was so utterly normal. She came in and re-summarized everything that I had told her about my period, birth control experiences, and fainting spell. She was kind and gentle all the way through, making it clear that she cared about my health and this appointment. But, there was nothing to see. At this point, I hadn’t gotten my blood drawn yet so I asked what we would do next if my thyroid, the last test, was normal. And she said nothing.
I’m not going to lie, I was—and still am—completely disappointed.
I feel completely unresolved. With the diagnosis of dysmenorrhea and PMDD, I basically have really bad periods for no discernable reason. It’s just the way my body works. Even though the way I live my life wouldn’t change at all with a diagnosis, it still really sucks to feel like there is no rhyme or reason for the cramps that crumple me like an aluminum can.
I’m anxious, too. Given the nature of ultrasounds and their poor image quality, I’ve imagined a million scenarios where a tiny beginning of a cyst or fibroid went unnoticed and, because I’ve now been given the all-clear, will grow and wreak havoc on my body and continue to go unnoticed. There were no instructions for preventative care such as ultrasounds every few years or anything. I’m just expected to let it go.
And that’s what’s so frustrating. After being told there’s nothing more to be done, I am also facing other people in my life telling me to just be happy that I’m healthy. It feels like I’m supposed to just forget about everything; forget my family history of uterine issues and my own pain.
So, I have to say it: if someone in your life goes through something similar where they feel in their gut that something is wrong but no tests confirm it, do not tell them to be happy that they’re healthy. It’s invalidating to tell someone how they should or shouldn’t feel; let that person be upset because it is their life, their body, and their frustration.
Instead, give your loved ones the time and space to vent, rant, and ramble about their feelings. Listen, make an effort to really understand what they’re trying to describe to you, and affirm that it’s okay to be disappointed or upset. Your role is support, so support.
As for me, I have a to-do list for moving forward. For now, I’m spending some time being upset. In the near future I will not only be making strides to a more positive mindset, but I will also be emailing my gynecologist with follow up questions and needs. While my big, grand day at Kaiser worked towards my goal of finding out if there’s something wrong, it’s now time to turn my attention to my second goal: working towards the least painful lifestyle possible.
I will be researching inflammatory foods to leave in the dust and anti-inflammatory foods to welcome to the fold. I’m going to finally remember to take the plug-in heating pad that my mom keeps offering and I keep forgetting. And, I’m going to be kind to myself when I’m menstruating, luckily that will only be four times a year.
Don’t be fooled, I’m not done yet. More “…Period” content will make its way to you.