For years now Twitter has been debating who the best famous Chris is. Most commonly discussed are the Pratt, Hemsworth, and Evans varieties. Personally, I think that there are a lot more famous people named Chris to be considered that seriously disrupt the original triad of cishet white men. You may think you are ready for my ranking, but I really don’t think you are. I am a very opinionated person so let’s get to my opinions:
Certified Gross: Chris Pratt, Brown, & Harrison.
I would rather not spend time on any of these men, however, I will explain this dead last spot for those who may not keep up with the times. Pratt has relinquished himself from this race by many a scandal, mostly centering around the homophobic church that he attends. I would like to emphasize, however, the less discussed incident of non-consensually flashing Amy Poehler on the set of TV show Parks & Recreation. Brown has a longer reputation of assault which we will keep at that.
New to the scene of being gross is Harrison, former host of Bachelor Nation TV shows. Harrison supported a contestant of The Bachelor who attended an Antebellum Era themed ball, stating that the contestant should not be criticised with a 2021 lens for something that occurred in 2018. Needless to say, this is just ridiculous and demonstrates a level of ignorance and racism; therefore Chris Harrison is out of the race.
8. Chris Martin
Chris Martin made it onto this list because he gave us the songs “Fix You,” “Yellow,” and “The Scientist.” In addition to those worship-worthy songs, any man that can score both Dakota Johnson and Gwyneth Paltrow in one lifetime definitely deserves high honor. Another fun fact that I like to throw around is that my dad attended the same boarding school in England as Martin (they only overlapped for maybe a year lol). You may be asking why Martin is so low on my list despite all of these high praises. Well, the answer to that is easy: this man named his daughter Apple.
7. Chris Hemsworth
I think I’m going to come under some fire for this one. Yes, Chris Hemsworth is a himbo that saved the Thor series in MCU movie Thor: Ragnarok and comes off as a golden retriever in both looks and attitude. This himbo/golden retriever thing is all well and good until that gap in judgement leads to irresponsible parenting and putting his daughter on a rollercoaster she is too short for. I know, I know, you probably think that is silly. As a former roller coaster operator at Six Flags, no that is not silly! Her life was truly in danger and I refuse to back down.
6. Chris Colfer
Not as well known as the previously mentioned Chrises is our number 6 spot, Chris Colfer, better known as “Kurt Hummel” from the disturbing TV show Glee. Honestly, Colfer’s performance as Kurt was revolutionary for 2008 and the show would have suffered without him. Another accolade is that Colfer is the author of the Land of Stories series which I understand to be pretty popular. Keeping in mind Colfer’s very large glow up, evident from the last couple seasons of Glee to the present, I seriously considered putting Colfer at number 5. What held me back? His participation in the Let’s Have a Kiki/Turkey Lurkey Time mashup. Watch at your own risk.
5. Chris Rock
Handsome, funny, and Marty from the Madagascar franchise. Nothing else required.
4. Chris Kratt
Anyone else watch Zaboomafoo as a kid and have a crush on the guy that always wore green? Yeah, this is him. Kratt is gentle with animals and generally a kind soul that just wants children to learn cool things and what is not to like about that? I wish I could put Kratt higher but the top 3 Chrises are some tough competition.
3. Chris Wood
I don’t think Chris Wood has ever been White Boy of the Month and that is a crime. Not only is he a work of art, but this man has RANGE as an actor. You may recognize him from The Vampire Diaries where he played “Kai,” the psychopathic and murderous witch. You also might know him as “Mon-el” in Supergirl, giving off very sweet, hero vibes. If Wood could land Melissa Benoist (which he did, they’re married and have a child) then that is validating enough for this third spot on my list.
2. Chris Evans
Christopher. Jamal. Evans. Best known for his tenure as Captain America, Evans is a leftist hottie that is often argued to be the number 1 Chris and his Endgame beard definitely got him close. I feel like words don’t do this man justice so go ahead and peruse some pictures.
Honorable Mention: Christine Baranski
You probably know her from the Mamma Mia! movies, however, Christine Baranski is a Broadway legend and Tony winner. Baranski has some serious moves and watching her performance of “Does Your Mother Know” by ABBA will show you her talent and demonstrate why she is so highly desired and revered.
1. Chris Pine
Chris Pine was most likely our entire generation’s first introduction to the enemies to lovers trope through The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement all the while rocking an impeccable turtleneck. Pine is also a leftist hottie, however, Pine has a certain quirky je ne sais quoi that gives him an extra oomph in my ranking. Maybe it was his hilarious performance of “Agony” in the Into the Woods film or maybe it’s the faint memory of the Chris Pine pine vine. All I do know for sure is that whenever Pine is brought up in a Chris debate there is unanimous swooning, making Chris Pine America’s Next Top Chris.