Try to think of the last romantic movie you watched. Remember how it made your heart soar? How it made you feel like you had a ball of joy for a heart, or like you were walking on air because “WOW that was so sweet.” Remember the statement you or one of your friends most likely made at the end? I wish guys like that existed. This sort of movie gives me unrealistic expectations for a relationship. Why can’t I find a guy like that? But what was it about the characters in the movie that was so incredibly remarkable to the point of being unattainable? Was it the character’s charm? His good looks? Probably. But if you look deeper into it, you’ll probably see that you swooned more than once at the fact that he took his counterpart on an actual date, or at the fact that he was just so kind and attentive. Why do we swoon over the fact that men treat women well in the movies? Take Augustus Waters from The Fault in Our Stars, Sebastian from the most recent La La Land, Josh Duhamel’s character in Safe Haven, or Alex from Love, Rosie. We see these men as dreamboats and wish so desperately that good men like this existed in real life, yet we seem to classify this of man as unrealistic and simply what these examples are–characters in movies.
But what’s so special about them? What about them is it that is so out of this world and extraordinary? What makes them unattainable? Of course, with the help of Hollywood these men are able to pull off some extravagant gestures (I.e. Augustus’s trip for Hazel to Amsterdam) but these things aside, these are very normal, run-of-the-mill men. Take Sebastian for example. Not overly charming or overly romantic or even very good with words–yet we gush over this kind of man. Sebastian is attentive and supportive of Mia’s dreams. Now take a look at Gus Waters. Aside from the fact that he is very good with words, he wasn’t so outlandish either, he simply tried his best to show how much he appreciated Hazel and never hesitated to make it known to her that he genuinely cared for her. Alex from Love, Rosie always sought the best for his best friend, Rosie. He was constantly looking out for her and constantly loving her, but never forcing his love upon her. Josh Duhamel’s character in Safe Haven was simply interested in learning more about the mysterious girl who ended up in his town. None of these characters do anything that extraordinary. They simply treat their partners with extreme respect and dignity; they are loving, supportive and reliable. And these are qualities that we deem unrealistic? In our world, over half of those qualities are ones you’d list on a resume when applying for a job. Yet we think to ourselves, “No, I could never find a man like that, those simply don’t exist.”
Men who do not treat their partners well do not exist?! Men who are reliable and have enough decency to not ignore texts or phone calls don’t exist? Even take Jack Dawson, the most extreme example of the “perfect” romantic love interest. What is so extraordinary about him? The fact that he is optimistic in the face of his extreme poverty, or the fact that he is able to see past certain differences with Rose because his affection and concern for her is that genuine? Again, those are not qualities that only exist in our imagination–those are qualities that we require to survive in our every day lives: respect, resilience, tolerance, compromise, flexibility, reliability, perseverance. The list could go on for miles. These qualities are the bare minimum when it comes to basic human decency and I think it’s erroneous to think that men that possess these qualities just don’t exist. I also think that we ought to know that we deserve more than the bare minimum. All in all, each of these characters is just a well-meaning man who only wants what’s best for the one he is pursuing. These men are understanding, respectful, genuine and they love actively not passively. Their love is not a passive and self interested “how could you do this to me” kind of love. Their love is an active, selfless, “I want nothing but goodness for you” kind of love. And that’s really too much to ask for?
I think it’s necessary that we remind ourselves that people who possess these qualities in fact DO exist and we deserve to find them. I think that telling ourselves that men like that don’t exist is synonymous with telling ourselves that we are not worthy of men like that, and we owe it to ourselves to know that we are worthy. We each have a dignity about our very beings that makes us not only worthy, but deserving of these things and more. Obviously, no person is perfect. You’re not going to find someone who is perfect, but perfection is not a prerequisite for loving someone well. In the words of the movie Love, Rosie: “You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart.” And that should never be deemed too far-fetched to happen.