If only social media outlets such as Facebook required people to pass a test or acquire some sort of “user license.” We’ve all seen it—meticulous, dramatic, and just plain obnoxious Facebook statuses. So what is going on? Do these Facebook abusers actually believe that what they are posting is acceptable or can, by any human being, be deemed interesting? I know Dead Week has us all feeling a bit morose, so here is a list of generic, and overly used, Facebook statuses that can make us feel better about ourselves!
1. “Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”
[or insert any other cliché quote here]
Meaning: “I just spent more time searching for this quote than I spent on doing anything remotely productive today—what am I doing with my life…Oh right, you’re shooting for the moon, remember?! Phew.
2. “My amaaazing boyfriend surprised me with flowers and a home-cooked dinner tonight…I’m the luckiest girl in the world to be so in love with my best friend [insert an excessive amount of hearts and creepy, smoochy emojis]!”
Meaning: “Suck it, single losers.”
3. “Some people may think what I’m about to say is girly, but I’m just being honest—I can’t wait to get married. I’m so looking forward to those Sunday nights curled up on the couch with my beautiful wife.”
Meaning: “I haven’t gotten laid since Obama was elected the first time, and I’m hoping this ‘sensitive guy act’ will score me some action.”
4. “It sucks when you really trust someone and you find out that they talked about you behind your back.”
Meaning: “I’m going to post something vaguely accusatory so that you will wonder if I’m referring to you…Spoiler alert: I am, betch.”
5. “I hate Mondays…”
Meaning: I couldn’t come up with anything better to post but still wanted to be acknowledged in the social media world today. Hopefully Tuesday will bring me some better material…
7. “Just finished an 8-mile run—I’ve never felt better!”
Meaning: “I expect at least 46 likes and 10 comments congratulating me on my general awesomeness.”
8. “So, so upset. Just went shopping and tried on a Size 0 pair of jeans and they didn’t fit…guess I’m a Size 2 now…:(”
Meaning: “Oh, in case you haven’t seen my pictures, I’m skinny.”
9. “Someone needs to invent a new definition to ‘bad day’ after the day I just had…”
Meaning: “Pleeeeeeease someone ask me about my day today! No one in my actual life cares that I got a flat tire today and that the 7/11 on the corner ran out of Salt & Vinegar Pringles.”
10. “Been in Davidson for 8 hours now…I HATE FINALS!”
Meaning: “I’m studying harder than all of you and am suffering more, so comment on my status.”
Happy studying, Gauchos!