If you were to ask 16-year-old me what my idea of a nightmare was, I would have told you that it was joining a sorority. This wasn’t because I did not want to partake in this college subculture, or because it did not look like a great way to spend my years as a student, but solely because I did not feel like I was “good enough” to be a part of it. I did not feel worthy of this experience that many girls dream of. I was no exception to this demographic of dreamers, but I felt held back by my own insecurities.
At 16 years old, I went on a college campus tour. The girl leading our personal tour happened to be a member of a sorority there. Throughout the tour, I picked up on her confidence, and how fun her life seemed, encouraging my desire to be in a sorority in the future. I visualized a future version of myself in her place; I was still so new to the idea of college and she seemed to be doing it right.
At the end of that day, she asked if we had any questions. Being a little bit shy and intimidated by this girl, I replied by thanking her and saying I did not have any. This did not go down well. “You’re quiet aren’t you?” was the next thing I heard. While that may not sound like a big deal, to my awkward, shy, insecure 16-year-old self, it felt like my weak world of self-esteem was collapsing in on itself.
Feeling extremely embarrassed, I could only nervously laugh it off. Internally, however, self-loathing thoughts crept in. Why had I been so shy? Why was I so intimidated? Why couldn’t I just act normal?
I wanted to put my best self out there and I failed. This completely confirmed what I had already believed about myself: I would always be the “quiet girl.”. This was especially crushing after being judged by this girl who I could have only dreamt of being.
After this experience of feeling shut down, I made a sweeping generalization that sorority girls—or whatever that means—were to be feared (spoiler alert: I am presently a sorority girl ). Feeling inferior, I told myself from then on that I was shy and awkward and that I would just have to accept that!
So, I did exactly that;I stayed in this box of characteristics that I thought to be true of myself, and only saw myself through that lens. Bigger insecurities developed, and I became self-conscious about how people perceived my actions in social situations. A new limited comfort zone was created, and it definitely did not include rushing a sorority.
Despite these setbacks, I decided that I wanted more for myself in college. Whether that meant being in a sorority or not, I wanted to throw myself into new opportunities and push myself outside of my comfort zone. I did not want to begin college by holding myself back because at the end of the day, my insecurities were only hurting me.
Thankfully, coming to this realization changed my outlook on my interactions during sorority recruitment. Whether or not my increased confidence during rush was a consequence of immense adrenaline, I loved the person I became when I let go of my fear of judgment. It was liberating to realize that maybe people liked me for…me.
The entire rush process made me realize that when I put down my guard, I am authentically myself. It sounds cliche, but when I became comfortable being myself when meeting new people, my interactions became more engaging. I found it easier to talk to new people. I was no longer the “quiet girl” I had once thought myself to be. I gained a stronger sense of confidence, which allowed me to let go of the awkward side of myself and step into a version of myself that was not afraid to celebrate who I am as an individual.
After being unapologetically myself during rush, I ended up getting and accepting a bid from a sorority that I had fallen in love with. I could not believe it! Although I had a newfound confidence while rushing, there was still a part of myself that felt undeserving. I felt that it was too good to be true and I reverted back to my unconfident mindset. The way that I felt about myself was once again reflected in how I viewed certain situations. Every small bump felt like a devastating blow. My insecurities made me feel out of place, and the lingering feeling of inadequacy began to creep into the back of my mind.
As time went on, I began connecting with the girls in my sorority, meeting more people, joining committees, holding a leadership position, moving into the house, and, most importantly, being a part of something bigger than myself. Being a member of this organization that held values, bonds, history, and sisterhood started to become fathomable as I became more involved. With this came another realization—being part of something that I was proud of was bigger than my insecurities.
Confidence is not linear, as I am continuing to learn. But, with every interaction, whether awkward or engaging, I inch closer to my goal:confidence,my personal trophy in the fun game of college. I’ve learned that it is fun to mess up, it is fun to start over, and it is fun to learn about myself as I navigate this period of my life.
Joining a sorority has been a Hallmark example of the confidence I have gained by simply putting myself out there. I am still self-conscious, and I think there is a part of me that always will be, but I’ve found that in order to truly grow, I cannot stay in the same place. I have to move forward, and every time that I step away from my comfort zone, I have only loved what I’ve found outside.