I’m no expert in love. I don’t have much experience in the playing field, but I have enough experience to know what I want and what I don’t want. As a kid, I always had this idealized version of romance in my head—you know, the one with the roses and the epic film score playing in the background and the gooey words that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. As I’ve grown up, I’ve seen more and more that I want this vision of “love” less and less—because it’s not real, most of it, if not all of it, is all talk. But I do know one thing: I know that I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and I know that I won’t settle for any less ever again.
As the years have gone by, I have been exposed to different ideas of what a “relationship” ought to be and living in Isla Vista has introduced me to what society knows as a hook up culture, which has ultimately skewed my vision of what a relationship is. I’ve seen people, myself included, get wrapped up in what we call “things” and “flings” with other people, but never anything real—never anything with real substance, never anything steadfast, never anything authentic. Everything is quick, fun and straight to the point. There is absolutely no sense of accountability and little to no emotional intimacy. In other words, the extent to which people interact with each other in the context of romance all comes down to a “you up?” text in the middle of the night and walks of shame the following morning. The goal is not the well being of the other person, but the instant gratification that the other person can provide at the moment: Quick. Fun. Straight to the point. And more often than not, you’re left wondering, “does this person want me? Or do they simply want the pleasure they obtain at my expense?”. This all seems to be done in a spirit of utilitarianism, a spirit of “what’s in it for me?”. These pseudo-relationships that we claim are completely healthy and “normal” are in fact quite the opposite and perpetuate a society that cares only about the needs and desires of the self.
I for one don’t want that—I want the opposite; I want a relationship where I feel accountable for the other person’s well being, because the greater sense of responsibility you feel towards your partner, the more authentic the love is. I want authentic love, not the counterfeit that society tries to force feed me. I don’t want a pseudo-relationship based completely on the fleeting pleasure that hook-ups bring, John Paul II once said that “lust cannot satisfy the human heart”. That really resonates with me, mainly because you can find the physical pleasure of a hookup anywhere, it’s repeatable and at the end of the day it’s not enough to provide lasting, genuine joy. I don’t want to be considered replaceable. I want to know in my heart that I am not being used and that I am appreciated for who I am regardless of what I have to give.
I refuse to be bound to be un-bound, I refuse to “play it cool” and to be in a constant state of “what are we?”, I think that I’m worth more than that. I’m done with the “what are we?” game. I want to know definitively where I stand with my partner. If a man wants to have anything to do with me, he has to work for it. No more of this “I guess I like you so I guess we can see where this goes.. I guess”. I don’t want to guess anymore, I want to know.