Over the past 3 ½ years, I have watched my fellow classmates transition from naive newbies into astute adults, full of wisdom and anecdotes regarding their odyssey to the feared 4th-year status. However, with great status, comes great responsibility—a facet in life in which none of us are ready nor willing to accept quite yet. Instead of gracefully accepting our old age and creeping advancement into the real world, we have chosen to go down one of five paths…and they aren’t pretty.
1. The Senior Citizen
You are the Roger Murtaugh of seniors—frankly, “[you’re] too old for this shit.” The thought of a Heritage handle-pull is about as appealing as eating dinner past 6:00 p.m. Your first three years at UCSB have weakened your stamina and endurance for the Isla Vista lifestyle. You have likely found another senior citizen to settle down with in what can only be classified as a hiberdating relationship. The only excitement you and partner are receiving is a little foursome action with some takeout and Netflix…mmm. Your youth has become unimportant to you, and you are ready to slip into elderly life, embracing yelling at your noisy neighbors from your porch and only eating foods that can be consumed through a straw. You have become far too comfortable in your UCSB sweats…probably a good thing, as this may help you remember where you live…senile rascal.
2. The Senioritis-Ridden Senior
Academic work has become impossible. Simply reading this article is too mentally taxing for you. Your homestretch of college is restricted to very minimal cognitive and mental exertion, limited only to counting the number of classes that you have actually attended, the number of homework assignments that you have missed, and the number of snappa games you have played that day. Your once bright-eyed view and concern over your perfect GPA has dissipated; and you have now embraced every mediocre UCSB student’s philosophy of “C’s get degrees”…damn right, they do. Be glad that your former, studious self always took classes for a letter grade, because you’re about to change every one of your classes this year to a pass/no pass grading option. Good call, senior, good call.
3. The Freshman Senior
Reliving the glory days has become your number one priority. You are attempting to time-travel to a simpler year, when job applications, constant resume-editing, and the daunting world of taxes, mortgages, and escrow (whatever the hell that is) weren’t staring you in the eyes or slapping you on the ass. You are now trying to fit in as many frat parties, beer pong games, and shacker walks as you can before you leave this paradise. Poor judgment, questionable decisions, and memory impairment are just a few of the free prizes you’ll find at the bottom of that vodka bottle you’re downing on a Tuesday night.
4. The Checked Out Senior
You have disengaged from all activities—from social to academic to athletic to just, plain hygienic. The only way you can keep track of time is by counting the number of House of Cards episodes you have watched in a day. Your teachers, friends, housemates, and fellow club members all have not seen you since the beginning of fall quarter…begging the question, where do you go?! You’re like that bachelorette attendee who disappears the second you step off of the plane in Vegas to show up just before you board the plane to go home. You won’t be around much this year, but you’ll show up just in time to be handed that diploma on June 14th.
5. The Panicking Senior
You are the antithesis of the Checked Out Senior—you’re freaked out. With just one quarter left of college, you are overwhelmed with finding a job, city, and apartment with which to begin your post-graduate life. You are beginning to question your major and classes you’ve taken for the past 4 years, and whether you want to pursue the career path that you’ve created for yourself. But, if you’re like me, your anxiety is quelled when you remember that you’re going to be fine, because you know how to speak to other people without being completely and totally awkward; and you now know the distinct difference between hearing and listening. Thank you, B.A. in Communication…this should be useful. I’m panicking.