This year was my first experience of the arts and music festival known to many as Coachella. It was definitely something that I found inspiring, strange, and even a little terrifying. But in between all of the amazing performances and fatty fair-style food, I noticed that there were defined categories for every type of person that was in attendance.
1. Families
This was something that was far beyond my comprehension- why would you spend $400 on a ticket for your 8 year old who is not going to remember this concert. Is it really that worth it for you to go? Did hiring a babysitter ever come to mind? I can guarantee that would have been much cheaper AND you could have gotten wasted like it was 1985 again. Another one I didn’t understand was bringing your infant/toddler. The only good part is they got in free but still… hire a babysitter. You’re probably ruining their eardrums forever and scaring them for life as they watched crazy people dance around and indulge in illegal substances. But hey, Florence and the Machine is worth it right?
2. Awkwardly Hip Old People
Out of all of the strange stereotypes that Coachella attracts, this one is by far my favorite. It was like watching an episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County. The wives were all decked out in their favorite turquoise, silver, and leather jewelry- because that’s hippie-esque right? We were even wearing the same Free People top, but it looked better on me because your fake boobs stretch it out. Their Hawaiian shirt-wearing husbands wandered around with a beer and tried to pretend they aren’t with these women who made them spend a fortune on the weekend to merely use it as a weekend-long photo op. My favorite is when they would ask some kid who was trying to enjoy the music to take a picture so they could check-in on Facebook and look super hip. Really? You look exactly like your 12 year-old that you brought and who is doing the same thing with her friends standing right next to you. Awkward.
3. Sluts
You love your body. We get it- so do most of the guys here, but seriously put some clothes on. I can deal with the bikini top paired with some shorts or a cover-up that is cute and tasteful. However, a straight up bikini= asking for it. And to be fair, you’ll probably get it. It’s not necessary for you to rub your butt on me while your trying to jump around and dance. Come on! It was 50 degrees the first weekend. I don’t even know your name but I know what every crevice of your body looks like…not okay.
4. Hipsters
This one is inevitable. What’s a concert without hipsters? I saw way too many guys in short shorts and enough girls with half of their heads shaved to last me a lifetime. I thought it was a funny observation when I would be at one of the earlier music performances (aka the not so popular bands) and I was literally surrounded by this type of person; but at the popular performances I couldn’t spot one. Too mainstream? Too much techno, not enough indie rock? Can’t handle the crowds? Oh those poor, poor hipsters.
5. Obviously on Drugs
Spirit Hoods–aka fur hoods that look like animals. Yes they keep you warm (it was cold okay), and they were kind of perfect for this event (let me live in my fantasy world and think I looked cute). But who the hell would wear that in real life and actually think, “Yeah this is cool, I look totally normal. Time to go to the library and study or out in public where people can actually see that I’M WEARING A FAKE FUR ANIMAL ON MY HEAD”. Or the people who wore full on animal costumes–we all saw those guys, they could no could not have been sober. Or the people with crazy hair designs with all the old crap they found in their toy box and thought it would be cool to put in their hair with a bunch of glitter and gel. Or the people just standing there looking at the ridiculous amount of lasers in every tent. Or how about everyone that ever went within 30 feet of the Sahara tent (techno central). Or 30 within the entrance? Yeah, that sounds about right.
6. Foreigners
So this is what I imagine went through all of their heads at one point or another: “I have no idea what Coachella is or who any of the artists performing because are; but I believe my attendance means that I can get incredibly intoxicated in a socially acceptable setting. Snoop Dogg? Didn’t he have that one song about it being hot or weed or something? Florence and the Machines? My roommate is from Florence, maybe it’s in Italian?” And then there is some random, practically unheard of band playing and they think… OH MY GOD THIS IS MY FAVORITE BAND OF ALL TIME! THIS IS AMAZING! I’M SO HAPPY! And they start dancing like their life depended on it and insist you do the same. What. The. Hell. There were people crying a few months ago about not getting a ticket, and you had no idea that it existed until your friend bought you a ticket on a whim.
7. “Normal” People
So you don’t think you fit into any of these categories? Are you over 35? Did you wear little to no clothing? Or maybe you’re just too cool to feel like you should fit into just one COUGH HIPSTER COUGH. My conclusion is that there is no normal person that goes to Coachella. Only crazy people who love music are able to embrace the true meaning of Coachella.