Halloween has typically been a hit or miss for me. And what I mean by that is it was mainly a miss. Whatever enthusiasm I had for my costume or holiday activities I had planned was usually masked by insecurity and worry that I was somehow doing the wrong thing. Audrie, you may ask, how do you do the “wrong thing” on Halloween? A few years ago, I would list a million things that could go sideways that preoccupied my mind. Now, I’d tell you otherwise.
During my childhood, I never believed I belonged on Halloween. It was a holiday for the outgoing kids, the ones who weren’t afraid to act passionately, whereas I felt like I was born into a space that I only hesitatingly took up. Halloween was theatrical, expressive, imaginative, qualities that I felt strange claiming for my own. Yet somehow I was equally as self-conscious about not showing as much holiday spirit as everyone else. For a long time, I believed there was a fine line between doing too little and sticking out or doing too much and sticking out. I didn’t want to take my chances so I avoided the line altogether.
The thing is the line isn’t real. I was always so concerned with how I presented myself and what others thought of me that I didn’t step outside of my box, even for a holiday that exists outside of the box. Coming to college, though, away from my hometown and its judgments, I was able to redefine Halloween for myself. Seeing people uninhibitedly run around Gayley in their costumes, albeit a little drunk, reassured me that that desire to let loose is in all of us. I learned that embracing my creative side, silly side and sexy side is a lot more fun than the box.
Halloween is, of course, indicative of a greater development I underwent in the last few years. It seems like a trivial example but Halloween was a turning point for me. More than “coming out of my shell,” college gave me a space to figure out who I am and not to be afraid to express that to others. Normally, with Halloween right around the corner, I would feel anxious about walking that imaginary line between caring too much and caring too little, but who really cares about the line? I’m going to wear what I want just as you should wear what you want/ Let’s have a good time.