I was sitting in my discussion after receiving a particularly painful midterm back, and as we all moaned and groaned about our grades, I overheard a girl joke “maybe I should just drop out and become a stay-at-home girlfriend.” And I thought, did she mean a stay-at-home mom? Nope, girlfriend. Apparently, there is a popular (and quite elitist) trend going around on the wild, wild Web (aka TikTok) where attractive white women make us all jealous of their matcha-and-Pilates-filled lifestyles. Although this trend started in November, and we’re late to the party, I think it’s the perfect lifestyle to dissect this International Women’s Day.
Now, I’m not bashing being a stay-at-home mom; raising young kids can be a full-time job, and stay-at-home moms do not have it easy. But these stay-at-home girlfriends are not staying home out of necessity or for the benefit of their kids. They are staying home for luxury and aesthetic purposes and because they have the privilege of not having to work (and no, doing the dishes once a week, folding some laundry, and making your boyfriend a morning coffee does not quite constitute work).
I see these videos and catch myself resenting the women creating them. And then I whisper to the voice in my head in true Fleabag-style “we are bad feminists” because women should support women. But what is feminism? Equality of the genders. And if we’re idolizing or romanticizing the lives of those who put themselves in a position completely reliant on a man, perhaps that is the true antifeminism. I’m not saying stay-at-home girlfriends should get a job or else they are “bad feminists,” I’m just saying that it’s antifeminist to aspire to be a stay-at-home girlfriend.
This trend reeks of wealth privilege, whiteness and heteronormativity. A woman of color living off her boyfriend’s income would be seen very differently as a white woman doing it. It’s eye-opening to consider why so many women see being a stay-at-home girlfriend as a viable and aspirational life path. Perhaps, to take the reins and combat misogyny, we have learned to leverage our femininity to get what we want and are left feeling like it’s our sole strength. Or perhaps those who aspire to this lifestyle haven’t found their passion or purpose yet. Because, while empty days of yoga and cleaning a spotless apartment may seem lovely in a seven-second video, in reality, it must get quite boring and aimless.
I have nothing against stay-at-home girlfriends or those who hope to become one, but I don’t think we need to uplift this kind of content. This lifestyle is so attractive because of its free and relaxed nature, but the truly feminist stance is to remember that we can earn and create this lifestyle for ourselves and don’t have to rely on a man to provide it for us.