The Oscars…a night of memorable wins, awkward champagne carpet interviews (I’m looking at you, Hugh Grant) and the worst fashion fails of the whole award-show season. I mean, come on, who doesn’t enjoy judging celebrities’ outfit choices whilst basking in the comfort of your Crocs and lazy-day sweat set? (That comment was written solely for relatability reasons, let the record show that I would not be caught dead in Crocs).
But before we dive in, I’d like to preface with the fact that I’m in no way trying to put these women down. I’m judging their clothing choices for funsies since I’ll likely never be walking through a champagne carpet in my own lifetime. Let’s share a quick laugh then go binge-watch these actresses’ films and television shows to show our support!
- Florence Pugh: walking through the house with your comforter still wrapped around you
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You know what I’m talking about. The gloomy, winter mornings that getting out of bed appears a gargantuan task, thus you drag the comforter throughout the kitchen as you brew a fresh pot of coffee to wake you up for class. Ringing any bells? Yes? Well that’s what Pugh’s doing with this dress.
- Tems’s oscars dress: A chaotically unraveling shower loofah
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Coming from someone who just manhandled a puffy, pink loofah in an emotional-breakdown-shower the other day, I can gladly confirm that it looks exactly like Tem’s dress at the Academy Awards.
- Stephanie Hsu’s Next role as Sidewalk gum melting in the sun
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It’s like Hubba Bubba, Dubble Bubble and Bubble Yum had a big, glorious baby, and it turned out to be Hsu’s Oscars evening wear.
- Angela Basset as the before picture of Tems’ unraveled loofah
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Please refer back to mid-shower breakdown for credibility upon my knowledge of loofah appearance. Again, can 100% confirm–this is ALL loofah.
- Cate Blanchett, somehow worse than the champagne-colored carpet
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I’m torn between “Backdrop for Under the Sea puppet pals show” and “Fabric store ran out of patterns and time.” Whatever this dress is, it’s not good.
Note: I should also add that she looks eerily similar to silk bedsheets.
- Melissa Mccarthy embraces her spirit animal: the Super-Rare red jellyfish
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If the jellyfish in Finding Nemo traveled all the way to see Sebastian in The Little Mermaid, then I think their child would be this disaster of an Oscars dress. It’s a no from me dawg.
- Nicole Kidman: The finest pin impression art you can buy (and wear)
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Are we all familiar with the Pin Impression toy from when we were younger? The square with tons of pins that you press your hand or face into and it leaves the imprint? If not, look it up, then tell me that the material of this dress doesn’t look IDENTICAL. Go ahead, try.
Spoiler Alert: YOU CAN’T. I’M RIGHT.
- Paul Mescal: Oscars at 5, bartending gig at 6
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But maybe he missed his shift because rumor has it…He danced across tables at the Oscars after party...All. Night Long.
Hopefully he has a spare uniform, cause this one’s most likely doused in sweat (if you have ever danced for five minutes in a frat party, then you’ll know what I mean).
- Salma Hayek sporting leftover new year’s eve confetti
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Let’s bring out the impressive 2023-shaped glasses and relive the craziest night of our lives with Salma Hayek (or maybe just the craziest night of your lives, I was home and in bed by nine this year).
Welp, as my mom always says: you win some, you lose some. At least famous actresses (and actors) can grieve such impressive fashion failures in the comfort of their million-dollar mansions and luxury cars. Meanwhile, I’m writing my third research paper for finals week, wiping away tears with a snot-filled rag. So who’s really losing here?
Alas, I’ll leave you with this uplifting thought: If the Oscars’ fashion slate is any indication of how this year’s Met Gala is gonna go, then I think we are in for a real treat! Keep your eyes peeled and calendars marked, it’s coming up quick!