Lars ‘15
Major: Philosophy
Minor: Women’s Studies
Age: 23 Years of age
CAUTION: Read in English accent.
Have you ever seen a mysterious man riding his bicycle, flipping his dreads in the wind and riding into the sunset of Westwood? Well allow me to uncover the enigma. His name is Lars. No middle name. No last name. Just Lars. His beauty is of the softest rose pedal and when he looks at you his gaze pierces through your soul and you are left with a feeling of inexplicable yearning. At least that’s how I felt when I interviewed him the other day. For months, I was haunted with his image and would see him briefly frolic over the crosswalk or exiting the entrance of Powell library. Yes exiting. He’s a rebel. But then just as my friend had answered the door, there was Lars sitting in the corner as if he was waiting for me. I paused. He looked at me. I looked at him. We looked at each other. My eyes asked a question and his eyes responded, “come hither.” Before I know it, it was as if the breeze through the door carried me off my feet and I was floating towards him. A chair found itself beneath my rumpus and I was compelled to learn all that I could of this man. This is what he had to say…
HC: What do you like to do for fun?
Lars: I have been playing saxophone for 12 years. I’ve had my ups and downs. I use the saxophone to make love to audience’s ears.
HC: Truly remarkable, and what else do you like to do?
Lars: Bike riding. But I lost my key to the bike rack so its strapped to the co-op as of now.
HC: Tragic, tell me what you look for in a life partner.
Lars: I value confidence. They need to be self assured, have similar interests and be genuine. I like straightforwardness. I think Vegans are sexy too. I’m a vegetarian.
HC: What’s a deal breaker for you?
Lars: Self-absorbed, competitive, over texting.
HC: What would the perfect person look like?
Lars: Someone rolling their own cigarettes, wearing skinny jeans. Oh and they have to be illiterate. I want to control everything they know.
HC: Can you tell us a fun fact about you?
Lars: I shave completely every morning and by the end of the day I grow all of my hair back. I need someone that tolerates hair.
HC: What do you do for work?
Lars: I’m self employed. I am my own boss. I give myself my own hours. It has great benefits.
At this point in the interview Lars got up and said he had to leave and go see a movie. I never saw him again…