Whether you’re in high school or college or even a much later stage of life, chances are you have made your way through the dating world while consistently narrowing down your hunt for “the one.” Throughout this exploration, you might have suffered through a number of regrettable first dates, few-month flings and worst of all…the prolonged toxic relationship. There are a plethora of reasons that keep us in bad relationships way longer than we should be, but it’s time that we put our happiness and ourselves first by making the scary step back into single life once again.
My sister once offered me relationship advice that I’ve held onto for years now: Once you feel stuck, it’s the time to break up. The crushing, overwhelming, burdensome and immobilizing feelings of guilt that force us into believing that we must stay in these toxic relationships are committing irreparable damage. But if I can offer my own advice now, I’d tell you to remember that no amount of guilt will make up for the happiness both you and your partner deserve. Your “person” and their “person” are still out there, so who are you to stand in the way of both of you being happier? Everyone deserves to be loved in the deepest, most passionate way possible, and if you no longer feel that way but are staying with your S.O. out of guilt, then all you’re doing is setting the relationship up for failure (a.k.a. a lifetime of regret, which will feel worse than any break-up will, I promise you).
While guilt is a huge contributor to prolonged relationships, another one I have noticed is external pressure from our other relationships and society as a whole. Sometimes our families feel inclined to “advocate” for certain relationships that are beneficial to them. And although having family approval of an S.O. is always the goal, you should still ask yourself if your family’s approval is in your best interest. Remember: you are in this relationship, not them!
On the other end of the spectrum, we often feel like being in a relationship gives us worth, as our “importance” increases with the newfound titles of girlfriend, fiancé and wife. Our instinctual desire to be accepted by others within society is wrongfully telling us that a toxic relationship is better than no relationship, which couldn’t be further from the truth. As my mom always says, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to your prince (okay, a Disney movie might have said that too…). You should respect yourself enough to leave a relationship that is no longer self-serving, rather than settle for less or lower your standards.
Additional problems that extend relationships far past their expiration dates are the fear of being alone and the fear of change. Sometimes we have been in a relationship so long that we stress over our ability to live without our significant other, even if unhappiness has become the cost of our comfort. But just a heads up, once you find your soulmate, the relationship will never turn comfortable; it will feel like the honeymoon stage all the time. Isn’t it worth going through a few months of grieving over a comfortable (yet toxic) relationship to eventually find who you’re really meant to be with? Don’t fear change, and don’t begrudge the value of being alone for a while. The greatest things in life always come when they are most unexpected, so don’t worry about being alone forever. “The One” will come when the time is right, not a second sooner (timing can be such a headache, right?).
Hopefully, these arguments have convinced you that you deserve to be in a happy relationship — one that doesn’t make you want to bang your head against the wall on a daily basis. But in contrast, if this article has made you question the strength of your current relationship, look out for these tell-tale signs of a toxic, overdone relationship:
- You’re looking elsewhere or developing feelings for someone else. If you were truly happy in your relationship, not even the richest, smartest, most attractive person in the world would be enough to tempt you.
- You feel guilty when you think about breaking up with your significant other. For some reason you feel as if you owe it to them to stay in the relationship, even if you both aren’t happy anymore.
- You are unhappy. Feelings of unhappiness frequently stem from arguing incessantly or being manipulated. FYI: If you don’t feel happy, you don’t belong in that relationship.
- Family and friends don’t approve (but if they do, always make sure it’s in good faith!).
- Your S.O. causes you to withdraw and distance yourself from everyone else.
- Most importantly: you have thought of breaking up before. Once this thought enters your mind, cut it off. If I knew my partner was considering leaving me, then I wouldn’t want to be with them anyways. We all deserve to be wanted all of the time.
The overarching message I hope readers will take from this article is that you deserve to be happy. I know from personal experience that ending a relationship can be incredibly difficult and scary, but I’ve never felt freer than looking back on how unhappy I was and comparing that to the happiness I’m embracing right now.