From familiar love to platonic love to romantic love and everything in between, I’ve always wished there was a crash course on how love worked. Many of us have experienced cramming before a big test, looking to the trusty Hank Green to explain what we need to know about chemistry, anatomy or biology before our exams. But there were many times I wanted a crash course made on the experiences of love, both romantic and platonic. Something I could watch the night before a date to cram as much information as possible or learn how to be a better friend and loved one to those around me. But how do you study for your dating life? How do you know what will be on the test without a guide or prepare without any direction? Here’s what I wish I understood better about love growing up.
- Love For Your Family
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Some of the most valuable relationships in our lifetimes are with our family, chosen or biological. Familial love is unconditional: we’re loved not for what we could be but for who we are. Growing up, I wish I better understood that romantic love will look and feel different from platonic and familial love. It’s not inherently the same, but as we grow older and gain more mature relationships with those around us, our partners may come to love us as both a partner and family. At one point or another, we’ve all experienced feeling “home” with a person or group of people. Whether or not you’ve found it or are still looking, “home” is where the heart is, and it’s worth protecting.
- Love for Your Friends
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When I was younger, I was told that one day I would have to choose between my friends or my partner. I wouldn’t have time for both, or one relationship would tear apart the other. I’ve learned this isn’t true in the slightest when you’re with the right company and reach the right level of maturity. When the people in your life truly care for you, they’ll always want to be there and spend whatever time they have with you. Quality time with friends or a partner doesn’t need to be exclusive or competitive.
I couldn’t fathom dating someone who doesn’t one day become one of your best friends. Everyone experiences this differently, but I appreciate my partner and having both a romantic and platonic relationship with one another and knowing which side of the relationship is necessary for each situation. Recognizing the difference between romantic and platonic love might save you from heartbreak down the road. However, don’t be afraid to be friends and lovers as the right person will be both.
- LOVE FOR YOURSELF & YOUR PARTNER
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The mentality that “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself” is outdated and unfair to those working on loving themselves. I’ve struggled deeply with my self-worth, where self-hatred was temporary, and self-love was practically void, especially when coming to terms with my sapphic side. It made me think I was broken and couldn’t be with someone until I was fixed. I knew that it was never someone else’s job to “fix” me, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t capable of loving and being loved while healing. Both you and your partner are deserving of patience and compassion regarding your personal journeys. I learned that self-love is a process that has no end but a process worth working towards.
In the end, love comes from the heart but is also an active choice to put in the necessary work for you and the people you love. That means being there for yourself even when you don’t think you deserve it. Not every day will be perfect, but patience is vital for growth and healing. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that you’ll never be “done” learning about yourself and the way love can fit into your life, but it’ll always be worth the effort to try. You’ll be amazed how much your life can change when you open your heart to the endless possibilities of healthy love.